The Houses of the Sun
If Japan is called House of the Rising Sun, why isn’t Hawaii called House of the Setting Sun?
Blowjob
I always thought the phrase “Blowjob” sounded negative and subordinating. It sounds like you’re being forced to do something. It gives out the impression that it’s something extremely difficult to do or is hazardous. There is also no ‘blowing’ of any sort involved and neither is it something you get paid for, thus not in actuality a ‘job’.
I think we need a more delicate phrase. A euphemism of sort. A phrase that sounds positive and much more inviting. A phrase that feels like there is a sense of care and compassion involved. A phrase that conveys modesty and beauty.
To solve this lingual predicament, I hereby coin “Lip Service” as the new “Blowjob”.
Dictionary: lip ser·vice (lĭp-sûr‘vĭs)
n.
1. the insertion of the penis into the mouth
2. a sexual act short of penile vaginal penetration
3. Also. an expression of agreement that is not supported by real conviction
Usage: “David darling, you just play with your toys here alright? Grandma is going to go and give Grandpa a Lip Service.”
Oxymoron
Corporate Responsibility
I have always believed that as long as you’re alive, you’re guilty for vicariously fucking someone’s life up somewhere on this planet. And if you work for a corporate machine, you have absolved all responsibility, obligation and duty to give any fuck about the planet, its people and the human spirit. Corporations DO NOT give a fuck!
Freedom Fighter
Why the fuck bother fighting if you’re free? Go out and have an interracial gang bang with all the other free people!
Holy War
What the fuck is this?! A fucking joke? They say War is holy but Masturbation is unholy? What the fuck is wrong with these religious cock lovers? Next thing they’ll tell you is that God made Women to serve Men and that Men have a divine right to beat and chastise Women…then again…maybe that’s already there in the Holy Books…
Universally Accepted
You see this often in these pretentious Human Rights Treaties, Conventions and Protocols. If something is Universal, why does it need to be accepted? If something is Universal, why does it need to be announced that it is Universal so that it must be accepted? Shouldn’t we already be born with the knowledge to know that it is Universal and thus already accepted? Shouldn’t it be inculcated within our being and that non-acceptance would simply be impossible? This to me sounds like a big load of bollocks some Holocaust survivor cooked up out of self interest.
Win-Win Solution
There is no such thing as Win-Win solution. Both parties winning can never be a Solution. Life is a zero sum game. Your loss is someone else’s win. If you think, after a deal, you have just achieved a win-win solution – you have very obviously just been shafted. You have not achieved the Solution, my friend, you have just been deceived and cheated. You, my friend, are the loser in a Lose-Win Solution.
Hang
A drunken man was once looking for a coat hanger after returning home from a hangar. His wife telephoned to say she was having some hang-ups and he immediately hung up on her. He decided to hang up his hang-ups by getting himself more drinks. He hung around by the bar till late before the Bartender told him he was hanging up his towel and calling it a night. The man was at this point having a splitting hang over. The man got a rope and hung the Bartender.
If a man was going to be hanged for hanging another man while he was having a hang over, how would he feel if he had a hung jury?
Seat “fuckin” Belts
Seat belts piss me off. And I think they piss everyone else off as well.
Utility
Firstly, they mess your clothes up. At times, you may need to be someplace important, so you take a considerable length of time tending to your clothes making sure they are crevice-free, only to put on a seat belt and mess everything up. You end up fucking up your own efforts and your shirt now looks like your grandma’s labia.
Secondly, seat belts are serious hazards. Think about the times when you drove from your home and in the middle of your journey, you realise you hadn’t put your seat belt on. Now, you have to twirl and twist around in the already small compartment of your car to manoeuvre the entire seat belt contraption into place, while continuing to maintain a good view of the road as well as looking into the side and rear-view mirrors with at least one hand on the steering wheel while maintaining your leg posture ensuring your car is moving at a steady speed. This to me sounds like a good recipe for a catastrophic accident!
What if you accidentally swerved your car and hit an electric pylon causing a power outage for an entire district? Or worse still, what if the car hits a pedestrian and the dude dies. You’ll have to go to Court where you get charged for Manslaughter and you then get sent to prison to be buttfucked by other prisoners on an hourly basis. Is this really what you want? A sore ass and a destroyed self esteem all because you decided to put your seat belt on.
Even if you did successfully put your seat belt on, someone could hit you from the rear causing you to be thrust forward and your seat belt then digs into your abdomen causing severe chest abrasions, bruising to your abdominal area and damaging some internal organs. Is this truly what you want? More injuries coupled with a broken nose, a fractured collarbone and a whiplash injury?
Or what if some drunken truck driver crashes into your car, crushing it, caving the roof in and causing your seat belt to get jammed? And as you try to unhinge it, your engine catches on fire and the fire services aren’t around yet. Now you’re really fucked aren’t you? Your car explodes and you get to hear and see yourself get fried. Things like this happen frequently to drivers and it’s not something out of the ordinary I assure you. Do you really want to die because you decided to put your seat belt on? Is putting your seat belt on really a risk worth taking?
Seat belts also restrict movement and hamper a person from being free in his own vehicle. Why can’t I move about and drum away to a loud rendition of ‘From Wisdom to Hate’ by Canadian death metal group Gorguts? What about fat people? Seat belts can be severely curtailing to them causing significant discomfort and uneasiness. Or old people? One would think these people would definitely need some legroom to move, fart and burp whenever they like. And how about children? Being driven in a car is the only time children are able to leave the home without being abducted by a sexual predator, having their faces smashed while playing in the playground or having a firecracker blow up their penises. Children definitely need the space. So why restrict these people in an already small tin can? Seems like a completely wasteful and stupid idea to me.
Language
One key ingredient to all of this seat belt bullshit is language. The language used when dealing with seat belts isn’t consistent and most of the time doesn’t even make much sense. Let’s have a look at some examples:
Buckle Up – How? A seat belt must buckled DOWN not UP. There is in fact no upward motion whatsoever when you put your seat belt on.
Put Your Seat Belt On – ‘ON’ here is a problem. ‘ON’ and ‘OFF’ are used to describe two static states. You can turn ‘ON’ the lights and you can turn it ‘OFF’ because a place is either lit or dark. You cannot use ‘ON’ and ‘OFF’ for seat belts because buckling yourself in is an entire process.
First, you’ll need to tilt your head up diagonally 45º to an angle (left if you’re in America and right if you’re in the Commonwealth) to locate the metal flap. After locating it, you’ll have to run your hands through the belt to ensure there are no knots or folds which might hinder the movement as well as the effectiveness of the belt. Then, you’ll have to pull the belt in a calm steady motion, leaving just enough room for you to breathe while allowing just enough space for it to hold you in place. You then have to direct your head downward, diagonal to the direction you were first facing, to locate the buckle where you’ll have to insert the metal flap into. Hold the buckle with one hand and the metal flap with the other and insert the metal flap into the buckle till you hear a distinct ‘click’. This is to ensure that the seat belt is securely fastened and won’t be dislodged. You then once again have to adjust the tightness of the belt to guarantee maximum comfort and sufficient grip; this ensures that the seat belt is being procured in the right manner and will function correctly.
That is indeed quite a fucking epic process and cannot be reduced to a simple ‘ON’ and ‘OFF’.
Buckle Yourself In –You would think that when dealing with a machine capable of great speeds, immense harm and even death, one would certainly like to be IN the car and not OUT. In fact, it goes without saying that for a car to even be driven, one will have to be IN the goddamn car! Besides, it’s only a seat in a fucking enlarged aluminium enclosure. Where else can I possibly buckle myself into, out of the car? What the fuck? This is a completely pointless, useless and redundant phrase.
Please Fasten Your Seat Belt – This is a very interesting phrase. My personal favourite. Firstly, why is the word ‘Please’ there? That simply denotes that the entire phrase is a request and because it is, I can simply refuse to do it. If someone said, “Please suck my dick”, you still could object. But if he said, “Suck my dick right now or I’ll blow your brains out with this shotgun!”, it would be tremendously wise for you to rethink your decision of objecting. So because this is merely a request, I am not compelled in any way to follow what this person has to say.
And it becomes even more perplexing when you consider the word ‘Your’. What if I’m driving a car that I don’t legally own? What if I’m sitting in the passenger seat of a friend’s car? Or what if I’m on public transport, say a bus or taxi? Technically, the seat belt is not mine; it legally belongs to the legal owner of the vehicle. Why then must I adhere to a mere request of using someone else’s property? It seems a little impolite as well, fancifully using someone’s item without any regard or respect for the owner’s wishes. What happens if the owner forbids me from using it because he feels violated? What if he threatens to blow my brains out with a shotgun if I decide to utilise his vehicle’s seat belt? What if he threatens to force me on his genitals if I put on the seat belt in his car? What the fuck am I really supposed to do?
The way I look at it, you don’t have to do anything simply because it’s not ‘Your’ seat belt, so you shouldn’t really give a fuck. If you ever do get a request of putting a seat belt on in someone else’s vehicle, just politely say – “No, thank you. It’s yours, so I think You should use it instead. I’ll use mine when I’m in my own car.”.
Law
But of course, a lot of these seat belt usages are regulated by laws. A lot of people adhere to putting seat belts on simply because the law expects them to do so.
BUT….. even then, it is a very odd law, not to mention an illogical one. Most laws, if not all, are centred around a very simple principle – protecting an individual from harm caused by others. That is the very basis for all criminal legislation – making all actions by others causing harm to you, without your consent, a crime.
Seat belts laws aren’t like that at all. In fact, they’re the opposite – seat belt laws make it illegal for you to cause harm to YOURSELF i.e. by not putting your seat belt on, driving into a brick wall and getting hurt. What the fuck kinda law is that? What I do to myself is nobody’s fucking business. If I intend to shove a hot soldering iron up my asshole while I sing God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman, that’s my fucking entertainment. If I decide to stick a needle up that hole at the end of my penis and masturbate to a picture of Mother Theresa, nobody is supposed to stop me. If I decide to tie a rope around my neck tightly and jackoff reaching a new plateau of sexual orgasm – that’s my problem. I might kill myself doing that, but hey, no pain no gain.
In fact, I can’t seem to think of any law with this kind of rationale. Only one comes to mind – Suicide laws – in certain jurisdictions it is a crime for you to commit suicide. Even then, that depends on whether you fail. If you do fail at committing suicide, then you’re fucked. You’re branded a loser by your friends, family and the State. But if you succeed, congrats, you certainly won’t be hearing from anyone. Or rather, no one will be hearing from you. And even then, laws against suicides are excessive; who is the State to tell me whether I can or cannot kill myself? The State doesn’t own me. I own myself. Furthermore, I didn’t ask to be here on Earth, my parents decided to fuck, so I sure as hell better have the option of deciding if I should stay on this planet or not!
So I wonder, why the fuck is it compulsory for me to not have myself fly out of my windscreen and crash into a hot dog stand? Perhaps someone has some interest in me being alive. Maybe someone has money to be made out of me breathing.
Hmm…I wonder who. Maybe the bankers who gave me my car loan are worried that their crippling interest rates might not be paid up. Perhaps they’re bothered about investing in something with no returns. Maybe they are concerned about the prospects of losing a person indebted to them; a person in indentured servitude – a miserable worthless peon. Maybe the idea of a peon liberating himself from a life of mundanity and dreariness bothers them greatly. Could it be that ‘freedom’ hurts the business of bankers? Might it be the case that the job of bankers are to chain you, shackle you, buckle you, tie you and ensure that you’re belted all the time just so they can make all their revenues and profits out of your unquestioning obedience? Have bankers been using debts and mortgages to promote a lawful version of slavery? Do bankers even have any respect for an individual’s autonomy? Do these bankers actually think life is a prison? It’s all very confusing really.
But well, things can also be made a lot simpler. If everyone and I mean EVERYONE decided to unbuckle their seat belts and drive around town without any regard for the law, the law will become obsolete and it will have to be repealed. The law is only there because people obey it. If you get a summons, don’t pay it. If you get summoned to Court, don’t pay the fine. If they send you to prison for a few days, just comply. Besides, do you really think the police are going to arrest EVERYONE and jeopardize a nation’s economic growth for a few days? Just for a fuckin seat belt? Why I certainly think not! The police have more important things to do; harassing immigrants, accepting bribes from drug cartels and extorting money from unassuming citizens.
Also, as most banks have huge vested interests in just about every business in a city, they will certainly expect their debt ridden peons to be in work on time to drive the machines and supply them with profits. This ‘no seat belt wearing’ trend will greatly worry them. In fact, you may even start to find banks lobbying for the repealing of seat belt laws. We now got THEM by their balls!
Nature
Certain individuals are born stupid, ignorant, weak, irrational and impatient. It is not their fault, they are just born with it; hereditary traits passed down from their parents. This probably explains why you don’t find many Stephen Hawkings, Nikola Teslas, Jiddu Krishnamurtis or Kahlil Gibrans running around. Most people prefer to live a narrow linear existence without any need to want to understand the space around them.
Is this wrong? Certainly not! But it is certainly affecting the livelihood of those who intend who lead a good wholesome life. So Nature should be allowed to exercise its job of removing these useless members of society. And what better way to allow Nature to do its job than to eliminate all barriers to risks. Remove seat belts from vehicles.
Let these motherfuckers apply their irrationality, impatience and arrogance to drive around like a mad hooligan and kill themselves. Why are we trying to stop these excessive risk takers from ending their lives and perhaps even those of their family? We certainly don’t need these people. They are a strain on the economy as well as a great burden to the environment. The less of these people we have, the merrier the rest of us can be.
The very same thing happened to the dinosaurs. Presumably, some meteorite hit the earth, affected the climate drastically and the dinosaurs just couldn’t survive the changes – so they just died. That is Natural Selection – Survival of the Fittest.
Likewise, if these useless members of society can’t learn to be more considerate, compromising and calm on the road and in life, let them crash and burn. They were only asking for it. Their genes are affecting the national gene pool and we certainly do not need people like this. Fuck them! Let them die. Removing seat belts will create a population of insightful people who are able to make critical decisions and judgments in a more composed manner – allowing the species to be much more forward thinking, rational and progressive.
Conclusion: Unbuckle yourself and have a great ride!
Nuns
Has there ever been porn featuring actresses dressed like nuns? What could be the names of those films? Here’s a couple of my suggestions:
Confession Erection
Sanctus Anus
Analleuia
8men
Mary’s Virgin (This one has gotta be lesbian porn!)
The Last Sucker
Head & Grind
Corpussy Christiana
Jesus the Vaseline
Have My Rear, Ave Maria
The Wedding at Anal
5 holes and 2 fists
The Cumming of the Lord
The Apostle Simon Pecker
Noah’s Cock
Ask not…
“And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country”…John F. Kennedy (1961)
“Are you a politician asking what your country can do for you or a zealous one asking what you can do for your country? If you are the first, then you are a parasite; is the second, then you are an oasis in a desert.”…Kahlil Gibran (1925, The New Frontier)
Advertising: Bullshit!
Advertisers first started with:
Buy One get One free
They then realised that that made it sound like they were selling unwanted excess. The word ‘Free’ made it sound cheap. So they manufactured the promotion as:
Two for the price of One
This time around the ‘Two’ is accentuated giving people the illusion that they are getting more than they bargained for, but when at the counter you would realise you aren’t paying for one of the items; making the items seem low-cost and even suggesting low-quality. So they moved into:
Buy Two for Half price
You actually have to think this one out to comprehend it. It has the ‘Two’ but it cites ‘Half price’ giving you the illusion of discount and making you presume you’re still paying for both and getting the same quality.
Sadly though, you’re still being fucked with the same bullshit only repackaged with a fancier wrapping paper!
Necrophilia
This one’s for the guys…
I can’t seem to find anything wrong with Necrophilia. It seems to be illegal in most countries though. Most people seem to think fucking a dead person is morally wrong. How so?
Sure, it does go to show you don’t really have a social life but think about it for a second, in a world where we SELL Gluttonous products like a Value Meal, Pride-inducing vehicles like a Rolls Royce or Lust-harnessing perfumes and colognes – where ADVERTISING is based on creating Envy amongst people causing them to get Angry and Greed for more before wastefully throwing their purchases aside and becoming Slothful pigs – in such a world, there is no reason why you can’t get uncollected bodies at a morgue and market it as a:
All You Can Rape Buffet!
Technically, the issue of consent never really comes up because the person is dead. The bodies are re-useable and even disposable so there won’t be any risks of sexually transmitted diseases owing to multiple partners. These bodies are also uncollected so you won’t find any disgruntled relatives.
Furthermore, I think there should always be an option in the sign off form for relatives to give away their deceased relative for such a cause; obviously they should be remunerated for it; a small fee and a ‘thank you’ card would certainly not hurt. It would definitely ease the burden of funeral fees for the poor.
The illegal prostitution trade would undoubtedly be badly affected by this Buffet and to a certain extent even rapes might be reduced. Such a Buffet would also allow people to express their deepest and vilest sexual fantasies and perversions without any hindrance. It will certainly provide opportunities to youths to experiment with sex without any unwanted repercussions.
Businessmen seeking for affairs need not worry because there are no emotional entanglements or attachments and it will certainly reduce the pent up sexual frustration of the general adult male population in most countries. And best of all, it’s the ONLY time guys can ever say…
“I fucked the living shit out of her…”
and actually mean it, literally…
New Wave Genocide
If a dictator was a homosexual and he decided to pull off a ‘genocide’, who would his victims be?
He would certainly change his status to a ‘Dicktaker’ instead of ‘Dictator’.
His infantrymen: Privates
His navy: Seamen
His air force: Top Gun
Hmm, come to think about it. There really isn’t much difference if he was straight or a homosexual…
Defend
‘Defending your Country’ doesn’t mean walking with a rifle in a foreign land and bombing it…it means dying where you were born!
Tooth
Why is your wisdom tooth called a ‘wisdom’ tooth? Most people are still relatively dumb in the 20’s.
And strangely enough, old people; the people who are supposedly full of wisdom haven’t got a single tooth left.
Young people dislike braces because it makes them look unattractive
Old people wear dentures so that they will look attractive
A young person goes to the dentist to fill a tooth
An old person goes to the dentist to extract a tooth
A young man, feeling unimportant, has to undergo scaling – it sounds as if he needs to climb a mountain
An old man, feeling important, has to undergo crowning – it sounds as if he needs to be given a prize for climbing a mountain
A young woman attending a dentist usually gets asked about her wealth or job
An old woman attending a dentist usually gets asked about her health or pension plan
Pendatang Keling
People, let’s get this straight.
Keling
The word ‘Keling’ is considered to be derogatory for Indians. The word was derived from a fundamental understanding by older traders that Indians came from the Kalinga Empire of India. There was no such thing as ‘India’ or ‘Indian’ back then so dark skinned men from the West were referred to as ‘Kaling’ or ‘Keling’; derived from the name of the Empire that they are said to represent.
Now in the modern times, most people are unaware of the history behind the word and I’ve heard absurd explanations on its history. Truth is, ‘Keling’ is merely an out-of-date reference for Indians by unenlightened and ignorant Malaysians.
Should Indians feel hurt? Not at all! Why should Indians be hurt because of someone else’s ignorance? Indians should be humble and educate a moron who has used such a word, that an entire nation (India) has been established since the Kalinga Empire feudal days 2000 years ago. Why be dissuaded or let your emotions run amok because of a ‘word’?
Words should never be penalised. There are NO racist words, only racist people. It is the racist you have to be bothered about, not the word. It is the purpose, the thought and the situation that Indians must be concerned about, not the word. The word is completely harmless. I don’t get offended when someone calls me a ‘Keling’ because I know it’s fuckin’ pointless and fuckin’ meaningless. Besides, I am a fuckin’ Keling! 2000 years ago, I would officially be known as a Keling! And I would have LOVED it!
Racists really wield power over you if they can use a word and get you to react. But just ignore it and dismiss it as a person’s ignorance and you’ll find yourself being liberated from the stereotype perpetuated on you.
Now, next word.
Pendatang.
Only a nation bankrupt on Reason and Logic can be offended by such a word. What the fuck are these people getting offended by? Everyone on this fuckin’ planet is a Pendatang. Everyone is a goddamn Immigrant. What do you think White Americans are? They are English Immigrants!!!
The great Human Migration kicked off 60,000 years ago. Previously, the Modern Man lived in the heartland of Africa and 2 million years before that the development of speech for the Prehistoric Man took place. Think about that! 2 million years ago, we couldn’t even fuckin’ talk! And now we get offended over a word?! To come this far, to develop language and now we bitch about it?! These people are a real waste of space!
Why give a shit about the labels people put on you? Why stigmatise yourself? Why be offended by what is essentially ‘the truth’?
Be happy that you have food, shelter and clothing for today. Be happy that your ancestors were smart enough to move and find this place so that you can be alive today! Be fuckin’ grateful to be alive today!
Besides, I proudly call myself a Pendatang because:
SAYA PENDATANG = I’M A CUMMER!
A Piece of Shit
I can never quite remember how I began my life. It was many lifetimes ago. Of what I can recollect, I remember coming out of a bovine’s ass a few days ago and falling to the ground very quickly and swiftly. I remember gazing at the clear blue sky above as the wind caressed me and took my scent across the fields.
A big black beetle came along 2 nights later and began picking me apart. She rolled me into a ball and moved me to the edge of the field where she proceeded to lay her eggs into me. I waited patiently for a day in a dry and arid hole. I was beginning to dehydrate and dry up when I felt the young beetles hatching inside of me. They then began consuming me hastily from within and I was no more.
I was now inside one of them; a brave young male beetle who tried moving as far as he could from where he was born. He went far indeed, tunneling through mini burrows and over gargantuan grassy leaves before he was crushed by the hoof of a running horse. I lay there partially drained under the sun before my remains and the carcass of the beetle was slurped up by a worm.
The worm had a decent life living in an underground chasm for a few days. It eventually got weak and died under the roots of a plant. The plant grew and its roots began grabbing unto the decomposing worm and sucking what remained of his corpse. I moved from the belly of the worm to the fibers of the plant.
It was a warm yet desolate moment in my life. Everything was bright, alien and seemed to resonate with a certain vibration. It was as if the plant was in constant interaction with all other plants; transferring independent thoughts that somehow seemed homogenous. A few days later, I saw a man walk up and grab the plant and then…. everything went blank.
I was on a plate in a place where people dined. I remember this scene. I have been in a place like this before. It was called a Restaurant. Some man tucked into his Spinach and put it into his mouth and there I went into. Crushing blows knocked me around and I slid down into this gaping hole. I crashed into this dark and fowl place where this vile liquid was spewed all across me. It burnt! A few hours later I was sucked into one of his intestines and began getting compacted into a small brown cylindrical shape. I was discharged by the man later in the day in what seemed like a difficult effort for him. He groaned quite a bit as I was forced out into a pool of water.
I moved steadily down an unlit tunnel with great speed and found my way into a great river where I was eaten by a small fish. The fish swam wildly and I had an opportunity to contemplate my fate – every lifetime becoming a little bit vaguer upon the next one. The fish eventually got sick after contracting an incurable disease caused by the immensely polluted river. He was eaten by a big bird as he lay dead by the side of the river.
The bird flew over wide open moors and pastures. I have never felt so free before. Freedom was such a beautiful thing – to be everywhere while being nowhere. But it didn’t last long enough; I was removed unto a field in the middle of somewhere. I coated a seed which grew into a small plant and I resided for a brief while in its leaves.
I witnessed the plant’s growth and it made me glad. I helped someone be alive. It was a memorable experience. ‘Aloneness’ and ‘innocence’ were the most profound experiences I’ve ever felt. Being one with all that was around me and yet being completely on my own to experience myself – what great joy!
Two days later, the leaves I resided in were eaten by a cow that wandered into that part of the field. I landed on the ground a few days later and thought about my life – but I can never quite remember how I began my life. It was many lifetimes ago. Of what I can recollect, I remember coming out of a bovine’s ass a few days ago and falling to the ground…
Sex
Why is sex never described in the female perspective?
You never hear this:
Place the vagina over and around the penis. Allow the penis to be moved or rather to be thrust back and forth into the vagina a number of times. You may begin to feel a slight tingling sensation around your vaginal walls and feel a sudden secretion take place. Do not fret! This is a natural occurrence; it takes place whenever your body is sexually aroused or your body anticipates sexual activity to take place. The secretion acts as a lubricant to mitigate the friction caused by the penis when it moves through your vagina; this is to ensure no harm or tear is caused to the vaginal walls. The lubrication also allows for the penis to move swiftly and smoothly through the vaginal canal without affecting your sexual partner’s performance.
You may begin to feel a sudden rush of blood to your head. Once again do not fret! This is perfectly normal. Your body is beginning to prepare itself for a highly physical activity and therefore you will notice your heart rate accelerate and an increase in lung action. As a result of this, you may find yourself breathing heavily; do not try to breathe normally, allow your impulses to dictate your breathing rhythm. An erection of nipples is to be foreseen.
You will, if your partner engages things in the right way, notice a charge begin to develop at the base of your stomach as it begins to work its way up your entire body before it ignites into a fiery explosion of euphoria and bliss that sees you lose all sense of control over your current physical state. You will, immediately after be pulled into a moment of static divinity where time will stand still and universal perfection would seem to have been achieved! As moments pass away, you are returned back slowly into your neutral state of existence where you might notice a severely wet bed. Once again, do not fret at all! This is completely expected. It is just your body’s way of saying – “Hey, that was orgasmic!”
The News Today
A few weeks back I saw this caption running on the television screen, below the news anchor, on an international news network.
“4 marines killed in Afghan border”
I said to myself –
“What the fuck?! No wonder people are so desensitized. A media company has justified its ‘reporting’ of an event by a bunch of letters on a screen”.
That there is the problem with the media and people!
People never quite get to see the true horrors of war so they become passive, indifferent and blind as to what a war is.
‘Decency’, ‘Morality’ and ‘Taste’ – Categories invented by warmongers aka policymakers to manufacture consent, program choices and lull the senses. In order to achieve this, they go on to create ‘Broadcasting Regulations’, ‘Censorship Boards’ and ‘Television Ratings’ to carry out the task of controlling the information you receive, effectively reducing your ability to express anything that can be considered – ‘your own thoughts’.
I want my news to be completely unfiltered and to be made completely public; dedicated to the people of the world regardless of whether they’re 50 years old or 5 years old.
I want to see:
A gargantuan explosion that starts in the middle the desert engulfing in flames everything within a radius of 1 kilometre. 9 seconds later I want to see a guy limping out of this huge blazing inferno with half of his body set on fire, his left foot missing, his left arm gripping unto his last remaining testicle and his right hand holding his severed left hand. As he is limping away, he starts having uncontrollable diarrhoea which ends up putting some of the fire on him off. He finally begins to piss on himself in the hopes that he gets to put off the remaining fire.
The camera cues away and immediately thereafter an advertisement for Kentucky Fried Chicken’s latest BBQ chicken wings with Arabian spices comes on!
I want to see:
An intense battle between the Taliban and the American forces to which the Taliban suddenly find themselves out of ammunition. They decide to put an American POW into a cannon and shoot him straight at the rotor of a US Apache helicopter circling ahead of them. The body hits the rotor and the chopper comes crashing to the ground while minced pieces of the soldier’s body gets blown by the wind and falls on the rooftops of 200 hungry and starving Afghan family nearby. The offering from the sky allows them to have a feast and stay nourished as well as alive for another 23 days:-
Part of the great cycle of life and death!
I want to see:
A sniper placed in the North, getting his brains blown out by a sniper in the East. 10 seconds later, the sniper in the East gets his head shot by a sniper in the South. 4 Seconds later the sniper in the South notices a sniper in the West as both fire at each other at the same time and both had a perfect shot. The caption in the news reads:
“4 US snipers shot each other after they had mistook themselves for Iraqi insurgents”
I bet you, if this is the kind of stuff they showed on the news, with good angles and repeat coverage – The war will be over in no time!
And you have to make sure kids see it as well. You CAN’T have any of that “disturbing images”, “parental guidance” or “viewer discretion” bullshit. Kids have got to have a good knowledge on ‘What they are signing up for?’ when they join the military and what “Freedom” looks like for others halfway across the world!
It is times like this that I often ask myself – What would Jesus bomb?
Quit Trying
The amount of sayings people have, Holy Shit!
“Winners never quit!”, “Quitters never win!”, “Try as hard as you can!”, “If you fail, try again!”, “Hard hitting, never quitting”, “If you don’t try, you’ll never know”, “Keep trying until you succeed”, “Try, try and try again!”.
I’ve thought about this long and hard and I think I can summarise all of these bullshit in one simplified sentence.
– Don’t even try, then you won’t need to quit –
Dog
Why don’t we call our dog a ‘Son of a Bitch’?
Why don’t we just call a ‘Son of a Bitch’ a ‘Dog’?
When calling a slave, people once said – ‘You Dog’
When calling each other, people now say – ‘Yo Dawg’
The Americans eat ‘Hot Dogs’
The Koreans eat ‘Dogs’
The Christians love their Dogma
The Muslims have issues with Dogs
Dogfights on land are generally unacceptable
Dogfights in the sky are generally acceptable
When dogs are pests you call a Dogcatcher
When dogs are pets you call a Dog Trainer
Tom Waits had Rain Dogs
Chris Cornell had Temple of the Dog
Goofy is a dog that can talk
Pluto is a dog that can’t
The Westminster Dog Show gets you fame
The Walthamstow Dog Race gets you money
Guard dogs repel criminals
Sniffer dogs catch criminals
Some folks like to groom and style their dogs
Some folks like doggy style
Paris Hilton likes both!
Sigh, it’s a dog eat dog world indeed!
Float
Knowledge is Power but absolute Power corrupts absolutely. I guess we all ought to live in Ignorance.
In fact:
Ignorance is Bliss, yet everybody wants to be Knowledgeable, does that mean that nobody wants to be Blissful?
Colours
Who said Black = Death and White = Life? Every colour can be ominous!
Red – Communism
Orange – Agent Orange
Yellow – Yellow fever
Green – Absinthe
Blue – Prussian Blue
Purple – Jonestown Grape Juice
White – The colour people turn into when they’re fuckin dead!
Café Vagina 
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