There was once a young Japanese farmer named Toku who lived in a village in the northern part of Hokkaido. He tended to his fields everyday with the rest of the villagers, which amounted to some 500 people. They were hardworking people who toiled bravely under the sun. It was a largely agrarian based community with immense emphasis on the cultivation of food for personal consumption and the subsequent sale of surpluses to a central market many miles away. They were a peace loving community which settled disputes and conflicts through peaceful resolution and mediation by senior members of the community.
They also had a shrine where they offered their prayers to a deity called Shinju; an all pervading spirit of nature which controlled the weather, gave life to the plants and allowed the animals to multiply. Their rituals and offerings seek to appease and placate Shinju while also invoking his aid when tragedy or calamities befall them.
A gargantuan mountain range stood overshadowing the village and within the chasms of one of the caves of the mountain lived an ascetic hermit, a hikikomori, whose presence has always been of welcome when he makes his visits into the village; laughing and entertaining the village folk with tales of mysticism and wonder. But as time passed, his visits began to decline and eventually he was never seen again.
One fateful Spring morning, a band of bandits came from the North and plundered the village; burning the houses, destroying crops and slaughtering the animals. The villagers ran in fear and confusion. Most of them could only weep as they saw everything that they had for themselves vanish, burn and perish before their very eyes. It was a sight they will never soon forget. It was a catastrophe.
The next morning, young Toku went up the mountain to see the hikikomori. He entered into his cave with a bowl of soup and some rice. The old man invited him in and bid him to have a seat. The man asked “What gives me the privilege of your presence in my abode, young man?”. Toku said, “We have been attacked by bandits, oh Wise one. We seek your guidance on a question that plagues us all. “. The old man’s face lit up and he then asks, “What is the question?”. Toku then says,
“Why is there Suffering?”.
The old man closed his eyes and goes into a deep state of meditation before responding, “The spirit of Shinju is testing you. He sees great weakness in all your hearts. You have not been living up to his ideals, you have not been taking care of your wives and your children. You have been too unfriendly to your neighbours and with those who are near to you. You have committed many sins and Shinju has to punish you so you will learn your lesson. Go back now and welcome those close to you, let your women wander freely, go to the East and clear the forests so that the animals and people from the Eastern region can come and feast upon your crops. All your crops are made possible by Shinju and it is for Shinju’s creations that it must go back to. Let all be full and none be hungry. You would be living up to Shinju’s message if you obey it.”
The man ran hastily back to his village and did as the old man commanded. The village readily accepted this new way of life. The village began to prosper yet again and the population grew. There were many families and larger farms with market squares and sundry shops. There was a variety of goods and services and well as a general increase in the standard of living. People were much more comfortable with their lives and there was a huge shrine erected in the middle of the city honoring Shinju. There were yearly celebrations for Shinju; commemorating his bountiful gifts to the people since the bandit attack and many would come bearing gifts; which would be divided to the poorer members of society as all must be full and none must be hungry.
The next Spring, 9 years after the bandit attack, a horde of bandits rode into the city from the East, this time with horses and deadly weapons. They maimed and injured people before raping or kidnapping many women. They pillaged, plundered and decimated all of the markets squares. They stole as much as they could and laid utter waste to the homes, buildings and structures around the city. They were merciless in their ways and had no regard for the people. They screamed, shouted and howled like a vociferous pack of hungry wolves. They executed the old and the infirm before setting everything they laid their sights on on fire. The city became a blazing inferno; a vision of inexplicable horror and terror – a living nightmare.
Very early in the morning, when the fires subsided, young Toku ran up the mountain to see the hikikomori. He entered into his cave with some cold tapioca and mashed rice. The old man invited him in and bid him to have a seat. The old man then said “I have not seen you for many years young man. You are no longer even young I should say…hahahah….what brings you here?”. Toku said, “Wise one, the dreaded has happened. We have been attacked viciously by the bandits. Please help us. We have a question that must be answered“. The old man squints his eyes, leans forward and then says, “Please ask me.” Toku then says,
“Why is there Evil?”.
The old man closes his eyes and goes into a trance like state before replying, “There will always be evil because Man is evil. Only Shinju is good. Do not worry about those who are evil for they will receive great anguish and torment when they die. Shinju will inflict upon them all the pain and agony they have given to you. Shinju will curse them and fill the lives of their children with much disease and pestilence. They will never be happy. You must now go back to the village and prove to Shinju that no matter what evil is put on you, that you will never become like that of the evildoers. You must have faith in Shinju and you must show that to him. You must rebuild your city and make it better than it ever was, proving to Shinju that evil can never taint your heart. You must go to the South of your village and dam the river so you can build a bridge over it. This will bring in much people from the South and your city will prosper. You must also teach everyone how to pray to Shinju when there is evil lurking. This will give them great comfort in their time of need. Finally, you must always make your city open, friendly and without any secrets so that all who come to your city will be impressed by your faith in Shinju.”
Toku ran as fast as he ever could and the very next day the works on the dam and the city began. People worked very quickly and in a mere 9 months, the city was as bustling as it used to be. There were smaller villages, bigger stacked abodes, merchant shops, butcheries, abattoirs, grocers, blacksmiths, magicians, musicians, artists, inns, carriage makers, shrines, temples and many more things. The dammed river was also used to provide irrigation to the crops and this multiplied produce many a times thus sustaining a far bigger population. There were foreigners from all parts of the region seeking comfort, refuge and trade in the city. There were a myriad of artisans which helped build much more homes, altars, market squares and roads which facilitated rickshaws and carts. There were a vast series of canals and pipes through the city which supplied clean running water to the people increasing health and life expectancy. There were even trading posts and carriage stations erected for people to travel back and forth between different villages and regions. There were also constructed medicinal halls where the sick would go to to see healers and herbalists who seek to cure them. Universities and schools were also built for the people to learn about nature, the region and culture. They finally set up a huge Gate at the entrance of the city as a sign of ‘Welcome’ to all who visited it. The people thanked Shinju. They prayed. They worshipped. They venerated. They were happy.
One fine morning, just as the sun was rising, a horde of bandits came from the South across the river. Another band came from the East and a third group came from the North. They moved all the way to the heart of the city while burning everything down, raping the women as they went along before stabbing them and disemboweling them. They slaughtered all men. They stole food and other resources. They killed the animals as sport, laid waste to excess crops and ruthlessly tortured children. People were hysterical. Families were forced to commit incest and bestiality. The medicinal halls became decapitating posts, where people would be made to stand in a line and be decapitated one at a time. Some were forced into forced labour and slavery and some made to dig huge holes where corpses would be buried into, some that were buried were still alive. The inns became rape camps and universities and schools became torture chambers where necrophilia and cannibalism was also a common practice. The city was on fire for 7 days, the people prayed valiantly for intervention but nothing happened. All around them were suffering, evil and death. The whole city reeked of death. The only sight they had was of death. The bandits seem to be free to go and come as they please, and to do whatever they please. After sucking off the village of all the life it had, they headed straight to the dam and destroyed it, and the whole city was flooded. The bandits then left. A few villagers escaped, Toku was one of them.
The very next dawn, Toku scurried to the hikikomori. He entered into his cave with some wintry bitter gourd soup. The old man embraced him and obliged him to take a seat. The old man then said “What is it you seek Toku?” Toku, in tears, said, “Oh Prophet, everything we ever had is lost. Our city is gone, all our possessions are no more. Our loved ones have all perished. My heart is broken. My life is over.“. The old man looking very surprised and sympathetic says, “What do you wish of me Toku?” Toku, sobbing, then says,
“Please….tell……..me………….why is there Death?”
The old man closes his eyes, sinks his head and begins to recite a holy mantra over and over again before taking a deep breath. He sat silently, seemingly dead, for 10 minutes as Toku waited patiently. He then spoke, “Because you are a fucking moron! Why the fuck do you come to me asking for fucking advice on how to run a fucking city? Do I look like the fucking mayor of Hokkaido to you? I’m a cave dwelling half baked shit smelling loser and you come to me for fucking advice on dealing with murderers, rapists and thugs? Fuck you! What the fuck do I look like to you, a fucking samurai? You don’t wanna see death? Sell your house. Trade your wife and kids away. And get the fuck outta this shithole. Say “Fuck It!” and give up right now because nobody gives a fuck about you if you’re a ‘Nobody’. That’s the reality of it! And now, it’s time for me to take a shit. So, get the fuck outta my cave!”
With that, Toku left. He eventually found himself a nice cave up in the mountain range some 200 kilometres away where he ate, shit and smoked whenever he liked. He eventually died at the ripe old age of 107 holding ever strongly to the wise words of the old man – Just say “Fuck It” and Give Up!
This week has certainly been Mother Nature’s week, hasn’t it?
And I’m real glad to be part of the celebrations as well.
I live in a part of the world where we’re immune to most natural disasters. We don’t have no tornadoes. No hurricanes, cyclones or typhoons. No earthquakes and neither do we have any Tsunamis (at least none of the serious kinds). Almost never do we have droughts or even dangerous forest fires. The most we have are floods and the occasional landslides. The former isn’t really fun because you can see it building up so the loss of human life is rather low. And the latter usually just happens in one single area so the death toll is quite minimal.
But yesterday as I sat by my desk, I noticed something truly spectacular; the building I was in seemed to be swaying back and forth. It seemed to be rocking, so I stopped typing just to assess what the fuck was going on and indeed it really was fucking moving. I was utterly puzzled, a tad bit disoriented and dare I even say a little troubled and afraid as I began asking myself – is this an earthquake? Adrenaline was beginning to pump in and my body was being filled with this quickening rush which was both exhilarating and euphoric.
I ran in utter excitement and asked around if anyone ‘felt that’? Nobody did, so I thought perhaps it was nothing, till two online messages had popped up on my monitor screen, two friends from two different parts of the city; one was “Is your building moving?” and another was “omg, the building is moving, we are having an earthquake.”
I googled it up and immediately I found out that a 7.9 Richter scale earthquake had been reported off the western coast of Sumatra.
I had experienced the first earthquake tremors in my life and boy was it one the most satisfying 12 seconds of my life.
It was one of the pinnacle experiences in my life because I felt utterly powerless and feeble. It was sheer beauty, it was confusing and yet it was bliss. To not be in control of your environment is a gift everyone should cherish. I can’t say that I didn’t feel a little sad when it didn’t get worse. When it was over, I honestly hoped that it would happen again; I was hoping for it to be a lot more serious, maybe a building or two going down, perhaps even a few hundred people perishing but sigh…nothing of that sort happened. Some buildings were even evacuated for fear that its dwellers might get injured. Some of my friends even scurried off back home as soon as they could. Goddamn pussies!
Human beings seek to become Gods. That has always been our ambition. To be omnipotent – All Powerful – can’t say we haven’t achieved it have we? We can lift gargantuan boulders, move buildings and even destroy an entire civilization. We aim to be omniscient – All Knowing – the internet is testament to this. Any information as long as it has been processed by the human mind can be found in this cyber gateway of infinite information. We also seek to be omnipresent – All Present – we want to be at all places at all times, well, what the fuck you think CCTV’s are all about?
We are arrogant. We think nothing can stop us. We, a mere twig, in the tree of Life, look down upon the tree and say “I own you!” and just about then Nature flicks Man’s balls and kicks him in the face putting him back where he belongs – in the fuckin dirt; telling him whose really in charge and why he should just shut the fuck up!
This week has been proof to that. Typhoon Kestana plundered China, raped Vietnam and left the Philippines bleeding from the asshole – 320 dead, hundreds missing and thousands are homeless. The Tsunami in Samoa showed the Samoans what a violent facefuck feels like – 150 dead and counting, many more are missing and a city that looks like someone’s beer puke. And the Earthquake off Sumatra reignited Indonesia’s annual passion for anal fisting at plate tectonics proportions – 750 dead and counting, thousands are homeless and many without their families. This is Nature. It does not give a fuck and it will never stop. It is relentless. And I absolutely love it. The more dead people there are, the better.
Of course people always tell me – “It’s easy for you to say that, wait till you lose a loved one in a disaster.” – Sure, I’ll be sad if I do lose a loved one, but the moment I see some other dead motherfucker floating around, I’m going to be fucking happy again. Do we actually expect to live forever? Do we actually think that Nature somehow gives a flying fuck about our so called ‘right to life’? Do we really think that just because we put some doofus on the moon that somehow we have achieved Godhood and now own Nature? Fuck that!
Take a slice of bread and leave it out in the open for 3-4 days. You see mold beginning to grow on it. The mold begins to replicate itself and increase rather exponentially over the surface of the bread before covering it up completely and changing the very appearance of the bread. The bread begins to decompose as the mold feeds on the bread. The mold eventually releases its spores into the air. By chance, one of it will land on another slice of bread and the cycle will begin all over again.
Take planet Earth and leave it out in the open for 3-4 billion years. You see humans beginning to grow on it. The humans begin replicating themselves and increase rather exponentially over the surface of the Earth before covering it up completely and changing the very appearance of the Earth. The Earth begins to get polluted as the humans feed off the Earth. The humans eventually release themselves into space. By chance, one of it will find a new Earth to colonize and the cycle begins all over again.
Sure, we may choose to look at ourselves and see ourselves as ‘Individuals’ but if you get down to the bottom of it all and view us within the sheer expanse that is the Universe, are we, the God that is Man, any different from the bacteria that surround us all? We kill our germs to not get sick. The Earth kills us so it doesn’t get sick. Where else are you going to find a fairer fucking deal?
So the next time, you feel a 9.8 Richter scale earthquake, see a 28 foot tsunami 200 metres away or have winds blowing at an excess of 300km/h – be thankful – because Mummy Nature is reaching out to you and saying: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Everyone seems to be talking about the Economic Crisis and how bad things are. Do you really give a fuck? I certainly don’t. In fact, I hope and pray for it to get worse by the day just so Man can learn a very valuable lesson: Don’t Buy Things You Don’t Need With Money You Don’t Have!
Barack Obama has this massive stimulus package. Do you think it’ll work? I think it’s a piece of shit. You don’t need to be an Economist to know that the more money you print, the further into debt a nation will fall into. America should’ve realised a long time ago that ‘arming foreign radical groups’ and ‘illegal wars’ are a pricey fuckin business. America buttfucked itself! So fuck Barack Obama and fuck the Federal Reserve!
I have a very straightforward outlook on life and it somehow makes understanding everything a lot simpler. I look at life as being completely meaningless and everything around us is devoid of any value. Gold only has value because we collectively agree to give it value. Likewise, a piece of paper has value because your Government has placed the words ‘Legal Tender’ on it.
People are struck with boredom ever since the day they’re born so they have to figure out ways to kill time and give themselves some illusion of purpose. Biologically, we are programmed to keep our lives running but what we do with it is solely our own problem. There is no Universal Law or Moral Way to lead our lives, we just do what makes us feel good and we keep doing it.
If we think materialistic goods make us feel happy, we call out for entrepreneurs to manufacture it, who in turn will require us to work for them for wages which we have to place in banks, who lend it out to other entrepreneurs who go on to destroy the environment to give us more materialistic goods which make us feel happy.
Sometimes, we may want to control a group of people. So we just make up a false story of their previous history and indoctrinate them with it and ensure that their children and their children’s children are also taught the same thing. If it operates at the national level it’s called Nationalism, if at the personal level, then it’s called Religion. Same Bullshit – Different Story.
Life is ultimately just ‘Entertainment’. But we’re all so caught up in the drama that we always forget to stop and laugh.
So, to get around this Entertainment or rather to strive the best I can to be an observer rather than an entertainer, I figured I’ll think of 5 ways in which we can solve this Economic Crisis. Most of these are fairly simple measures that just require a little bit of courage and some good friendly Government support.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Utilise The Dead
Here’s one group of people entirely unused – the dead. In a world where resources are becoming increasingly finite and speculators are able to make predictions on oil and gas reserves, I think it’s about time we thought about some good wholesome ways to power ourselves. Let’s burn dead people.
Did you know that 3 kg’s of fat has sufficient calories to bring the entire body to boil at 100 ° C? And do realise folks that if you live in most Western countries, you’re gonna find people who rival elephants and rhinos when it comes to weight and size. To a lot of these compulsive consumers who make consumption a national duty, being more than 100kg’s is actually the norm.
So as a lot of these fat motherfuckers are gonna die after the economy collapses and food dwindles, we just have to get their corpses straight to a power plant and dump them right into the furnace. Their bodies will be able to generate enough energy to move the turbines a little quicker and keep us all a little warmer during the cold depressing months. And we don’t have to stop with these fat fucks, we can certainly exhume all the dead we currently have buried and use them as well. Oh and with the influx of dead American and British soldiers we have coming from Iraq and Afghanistan once our financial support for those wars cease; strong, burly and muscular men – ‘Free Energy’ will be a reality.
But why just specialise in burning them? What about putting the dead into a grinder and beating them up to pulp after which the resultant mash is coupled with plant seeds and sown across wide grassy plains; human bodies as manure and natural soil supplements. I think it’s a brilliant idea.
There are a number of advantages of doing this. Firstly, we achieve good soil health naturally without the need for any artificial fertilizers and chemicals – curbing expenditure. The soil is nourished with immense biological, chemical and physical properties allowing it to sustain plant productivity.
Secondly, with a sudden spurt of plant growth, we’ll be able to feed A LOT of hungry people across the world. We could start harvesting vegetables and eventually fruits; all of which are necessary sustenance.
Thirdly, it helps heal the environment. With the excess of carbon we now have in the atmosphere, having a sudden increase in plant life will allow for these plants to rejuvenate the atmosphere with more oxygen while reducing carbon dioxide– solving global warming and other environmental disasters.
And why just stop at plants? Why not animals too? We’re already pumping our cattle and poultry with a ton of chemical shit to make them grow quicker, jack-off faster and produce more. Why waste money? We can save a lot if we instead included some human pieces into their diet that’ll help bring in a lot of protein and carbohydrates to their bodies.
In fact, there is no reason why we can’t use the same human flesh into the diet of other humans as well. Most don’t know this but Cannibalism has been practiced for many centuries by tribes across the world and all of them seem pretty vibrant and active. Furthermore, I think we could all do with a little variety, aren’t we all a little sick with chicken, beef, pork and fish? Besides, beggars can’t be choosers!
Free Abortion Clinics
Fucking is a good thing. It helps relieve stress, it aids in giving people a sense of peaceful assurance, it cures all the worries of a person, it helps mend broken relationships, it encourages communication and openness and most importantly it promotes intimacy and love. The more people fuck, the happier they are. A happy population is a good population! So fucking should indeed not stop but of course fucking has ONE major setback: a fucking child!
Having a child is a massive investment, so why the fuck would you want to fuck and bring another human on board if you know you’re going to be fucking poor for the rest of your fucking life? Well, to some of the poorer people, access to condoms, diaphragms, spermicides and birth control pills can be quite expensive. And when it comes to fucking, the ‘pull-out’ method can be somewhat unreliable as most guys are notorious for being premature ejaculators.
So what better way to solve this conundrum than for the Governments of the world to build Abortion Clinics that provide Free Treatment and Free Counseling to the people? Consider it a ‘public good’; goods procured by the government in order to enhance society’s well being.
Think about it for a second: people can fuck all they want, have nothing to worry about and in the event pregnancy hits – just get the foetus (and incidentally your problems) washed out from your system. Some may begin to cry out – ‘Sanctity of Life!’. I will cry out – ‘Fuck You!’. Which would you rather see – some undeveloped bunch of cells getting flushed down a toilet or a fully formed sentient human being going through suffering, hunger and death that is not his own doing?
In the Abortion Clinic, ‘Expediency’ and ‘Integrity’ are the qualities for the day. Doctors and nurses are trained extensively and are also made to attend various seminars and lectures which highlight to them the economic hardships of people and how they are contributing to the betterment of society and effectively the world. As they are performing a pertinent social function, one can certainly expect for them to be remunerated well with money taken from the pension funds of senior citizens.
Patients are dealt with swiftly and with professionalism based upon the highest standards of the medical profession. There is none of that ‘forms to fill up’, ‘names to be given’ and ‘insurance to be requested’ – people come in, take a number and have the procedure.
Patients will also be counseled and reminded that abortion is not killing a life. Abortion is saving a life; saving it from the misery, anguish and drudgery of leading a worthless and valueless life here on Earth. The machinery used will be state-of-the-art so as to reduce pain, discomfort and to provide a speedy service. After the procedure is done, patients will be discharged immediately and be escorted personally to the exit so that they can get back to their desk-jobs an hour later. They could even be given some placebos (M&M’s) and be told that it helps promote ‘Vitality of the Body and Mind’.
In fact, doctors can even insist on mailing the mangled aborted foetus back to the man who impregnated the woman just so he’ll be able to have a glimpse of the fruits of his labour and be a little bit more careful the next time.
The best part is, both man and woman will now have to mend their affected relationship and what better way to do that than to have a good 16 hour fuckfest, in fact, call your neighbours along and make it a gang bang. If they’re Mexican, hey better still, call it an Interracial Gang Bang!
The Abortion Clinic – Giving You More Time To Love!
If you solve Poverty, you will solve Crime. There are no two ways about it. But in a world where the economy is bleeding to death and most will be thrust into extreme poverty – crimes will begin to increase dramatically – therefore it’s only practical for the Governments of the world to legalise criminal behaviour. Repeal all criminal legislation and penal codes.
Ask yourself this, is the police force really capable of handling exponential increases in crimes? Fuck No! The police can’t even deal with crimes on an average sunny Wednesday afternoon. But, nonetheless, we could still use the police’s ability to impose order by making them function as a facilitator between gangsters, smugglers and drug dealers, besides, it’s not like it’s going to be something new for them. They’re already doing it every day in just about every country; bartering with criminals, making illegal deals and accepting enormous bribes. Just another day at the police force!
All you need to do now is clear everyone from their respective prison cells and all of a sudden you’d notice a sudden deluge of entrepreneurs, business proposals and jobs. I have taken the liberty of outlining some of these:
Murderers, sadists, arsonists, vandals, terrorists and rioters – While I do like these guys very much, too much of them will be an overkill, not to mention they will over kill. So, let’s confine the killing to just among themselves and at the same time let’s enjoy the fuckin show.
Here’s what we can do: transmigrate all Australians to Africa and cordon off Australia; it now becomes a huge empty wasteland that is isolated and sea-locked. Then, dump ALL the guys above into the continent and start a reality show.
First, you’ll need to hook up the entire continent with cameras to record everything that takes place and have a live pay-per-view telecast to the whole world. The objective of game is to kill, murder and massacre as much people as possible and remain the last one standing. The winner gets to have 13 male friends along for a 9 hour gang bang session with Whoopi Goldberg, the Pussycat Dolls, the Pope, Simon & Garfunkle, Hillary Clinton and Ryan Seacrest at the same time. The winner will also get a lifetime supply of illegal Thai hemorrhoids cream and a free sex-change operation. Reality show title: ‘Hell Down Under!’.
Secondly, when the numbers dwindle to 500 people, lines can be open to the public so that they can actually start gambling on who might be killed next; the winner obviously gets a huge chunk of the daily pool – what a way to stimulate the economy and encourage spending. Employment opportunities: Film crew, IT specialists, construction workers, television manufacturers and telephone operators.
Rapists, molesters, pedophiles & sexual predators – 24/7 event managers for open-aired gang bangs, bestiality conventions, gay orgies, sadomasochistic marathons, bukakke buffets, scat fiestas, furry parties, golden shower relays, weekend blowjob booths, rim job parades, foot job shows, sex toys conferences, sweet 16 facials and even cherry poppers night-outs. Being experts in these fields, they could even partake in some of the activities themselves, providing free live demonstrations. Everybody fulfils their craving and all is content. Employment opportunities: Public relations adviser, designers, writers, advertisers, brand managers, publicists and media relations.
Robbers, burglars, thugs, extortionists, racketeers & gangsters – These guys will be our modern day Robin Hoods. One will certainly find the billionaires, millionaires and politicians of the world having stashes of mansions, sedans, aircrafts, yachts, jewelry and gold which they can certainly do without. So, who better to take on the role of the nation’s treasury and finance managers than some highly experienced professional thieves? The gangsters will do a fine job in ‘appropriating’, the burglars and thugs can work on ‘accounting’ and the racketeers and extortionists can do some ‘distributing’ to the poor, hungry and needy. We’ll finally have a tax system that gives everyone what they want without anyone being left out. Employment opportunities: Valuers, real estate agents, accountants, logistics support and stock supervisors.
Drug lords, traffickers, smugglers & pushers – The only guys who really live up to the great spirit of ‘Laissez-Faire, Supply and Demand’; providing all the supply wherever there is demand. I see no harm with drugs whatsoever. What one wants to put into his OWN body for personal pleasure is solely his own business. Having said that, let’s liven this business up!
Let’s commission the building of drug factories in every district of every State; supplying copious amounts of acid, heroin, cocaine, crack, amphetamines, morphine, opium, ketamine, ecstacy, psilocybin, mescaline, DMT and cannabis. Everyone can smoke, shoot up, swallow and snort as much as they want to stay completely stoned, loaded, high, shit faced and blown for the whole day. What’s funny though, is that the alcohol and cigarette industry will be bankrupt over night. Also, as there will be a shitload supply of drugs everywhere, prices can be expected to be low as hell, in fact, you might even find drug dealers competing with each other.
In order to upkeep their business, drug dealers will actually have to get into research and development to create a super drug; a drug which gives the most minimal amount of harm while producing the most maximum sensory experience and mental enlightenment. Everyone in society will be happy. Employment opportunities: Salespeople, packagers, promoters, wholesalers and retailers.
Three down, two more to go. Thus far, we have managed to create a self sustaining economy without any heavy reliance on the environment or creation of illusory monetary value. We’re on a roll folks! Next we have:
Bring Back Forced Labour and Slavery
This one is only reserved for the really useless people in society. The people who put us all in this mess in the first place, pretend to know the solution, fuck things up even further and then pretend to know nothing. The list of mofos include:-
Bankers, economists, politicians, stock brokers, corporate directors, jewelers, bullion dealers, lobbyists, investors, oil & gas people, bureaucrats, financial speculators, property developers, real estate agents, industrialists and anyone who refers to themselves as an ‘Executive’ or ‘Consultant’
If you’re either one of these motherfuckers or work for these motherfuckers, then you qualify for the All-National Unit for Service (ANUS) which you will be forcefully drafted into.
These miserable fuckers who have been making money out of thin air, need to get their hands dirty and get a little taste of the filth, dirt and scum that they have injected into everyone’s lives and in doing so, have successfully held this species back from ever realising its true potentials. These are the real criminals of mankind.
In order to get this show on the road, we’ll have to place our brothers and sisters from the Aryan Brotherhood, Ku Klux Klan, Neo-Nazi, British Nationalist Party and British National Front as Project Managers with some help from respective national Armies. These people have immense know-how in the procurement of mass labour at low cost.
They can start off by going through the Internal Revenue Service’s records to identity the people who earn $250,000 or more per annum. Freeze their bank accounts, pay a visit to them in their houses and produce to them a decree stating that the Government requires their money for national security purposes and that they will also need to contribute their labour to the building of their respective States. Tell them it’s ‘National Service’! Then, take them to the recently emptied prisons and dump them there like the criminals that they really are. The area surrounding the prisons will then be cordoned off and be kept away from public admission or scrutiny.
We’ll the assign these criminals and their cronies “jobs” to be done, none of which they will be remunerated for. These “jobs” will generally involve menial mundane tasks with low or no skill. Their tasks would include: welding, drilling, sculpting, mining, manufacturing chemicals, laying bricks, chopping trees, assembling vehicles, creating weapons, soldering electronic circuits, making household appliances, sewing clothes, animal farming, packaging products, harvesting crops and processing food.
As for their recently frozen bank accounts, the wealth will be appropriated the moment their accounts are frozen and divided equally to the rest of the population. Basically, we’ve bankrupted these slaves overnight.
The central question now seems to be: how do we get these slaves to comply? Simple. We give them the ‘illusion of choice and variety’ while ‘praising their work efforts’ and making ‘false promises’ that their wealth will be returned if they can successfully rejuvenate the economy.
Allow them to work a modest 8am till 6pm. All of them will be served three meals a day, one Continental breakfast at 7am, one Oriental lunch at 2pm and an American dinner at 9pm. They will be fed this for all meals on all days except on Sundays where they will be given an Indian breakfast, a Japanese lunch and a West African dinner instead. All produce for these meals must be obtained from the fruits of their own labour; it then becomes ingrained within them that the harder they work, the better their standard of living will be.
The more hardworking slaves will be given better food, nicer clothes, better prison facilities, lesser working hours and a fictional job promotion. This will be an incentive for others or rather serve as a ‘false beacon’ that things are beginning to get better. Optimism will rise. Attentiveness and focus will also take flight; eventually allowing worker productivity to increase tenfold. We need to make a ‘mini-economy’ out of these slaves to sustain the public with their efforts.
In fact, to maximize the output from these slaves, isolate the world from them. We will give them each a Television set in their respective cells but we will only broadcast entertainment programs that lull these slaves into thinking that their work brings freedom and that they are providing the nation with great sustenance and nourishment; well disguised propaganda.
Fictional news can also be broadcasted to create a false impression of what is taking place in foreign countries; a world bordering on post-apocalyptic meltdown can be painted through the television screens to create a sense of relief and security in the hearts of these slaves making them thank their Government for taking “good care” of them.
In fact, give them an opportunity to have elections every four years to elect representatives that can watch over these slaves and ensure that everyone is getting a fair share of things. It’ll certainly provide the slaves with some façade of ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’, making them feel like they are masters of their destiny. But obviously, ensure that nobody has any real power to do anything, say anything or express themselves in any way that affects any outcome.
Schools can also be procured for the children of slaves to teach them a newly formulated syllabus, which indoctrinates them with the idea that ‘Sacrificing ones Life for the Nation’ is the most noblest deed a man can do. All will be taught the most minimal of knowledge so that all will engage in hard labour and disengage from critical thinking and intellectualism.
Also, why not rig the entire complex with cameras and broadcast it for the public to watch every day via pay-per-view? It’ll be the comedy show of the year.
In fact to spice the things up, the Government can sometimes fire “enemy” rockets into the compound and kill a couple of hundred slaves. Cite it as being a “terrorist attack”. The Government can also surreptitiously infect the slave’s water supply with bacteria and watch them get sick. Later, administer a cure and cite it as being “biological warfare by the enemies”. No slave will ever doubt it. The more fear you raise, the better the control you have – just like sheeps. Reality show title: ‘The Prison Life – Baa-tfucked!’
Now, let’s see. We have an entire generation of people doing hard labour and sustaining the rest of society. The future generation is also bound to follow the fate of their elders. We now have a well oiled and moving economy. For the icing on the cake, we’ll need some good wholesome family fun to keep people occupied. For that, let me introduce to you:
The Circus of Life
The Circus of Life is a premier leisure venue that provides hours of fun, laughter and enjoyment for all men and women as well as children of all ages. It is the very epitome of ‘Entertainment’ and a celebration of ‘Life’. The Circus of Life is a monolithic structure the size of the Vatican that exists in each continent. It is an amusement park, leisure outlet, theme park, fairground, water park, casino and circus all rolled into one! The highlight of the day is a show called ‘Cornucopia’.
‘Cornucopia’ takes place from 9pm till 2am in the middle of the entire circus. People are gathered into a dirt arena that sits 200,000 and they’ll have the privilege of watching a number of highly entertaining feats courtesy of a number of people.
These people include those in mental asylums, the terminally ill, people who are bankrupt, Formula 1 racers, soccer players, all previous and current American Idol participants, all reality show contestants, socialites, people who believe in the Abrahamic God, fashion models, fashion designers, people involved in the publishing of men’s magazine and women’s magazine, obese children, people with lip piercings, people who operate Spas, people who leak their own sex videos, people who play Counterstrike, people who “pimp” their rides, people who wear tees with Che Guevarra on it, people who play golf, people who consider themselves ‘Emo’, people who listen to Black Eyed Peas, anyone that labels themselves as ‘Indie’, anyone who plays the Blues and isn’t black, Chinese people who play music, girls who watch Charmed, guys who watch Heroes and talentless fucks who call themselves ‘singer-songwriters’. We gather all these shits and we use them for these feats. Now, for the feats:
Jumbo Drop – Get a 300 gallon transparent water tank and fill it with Elephant diarrhea. Then tie a 100 kg metal ball to a guy’s foot and drop him into the tank. Watch him drown helplessly while also having his last meal.
Blow Job – Line 20 cannons in a circle pointing to the middle of the circle and fill em up with a person each. Fire all away simultaneously. Make sure there are adequate instant replays, slow-mo and multiple camera angles.
Horse Power – Get a guy and tie each of his limb to a horse and then whip the horse to speed till the first limb rips out. Betting can even be allowed for this one. People can bet on which limb will come out first. They’ll have a 25% probability of getting it right. Now that’s a highly probable bet!
Cornman – Get a couple of people and dump them into thick corn syrup and immediately after dunk them straight into a big pot with boiling oil and let them deep fry. Take them out a couple of minutes later and put them up for sale outside the arena next to the Corndog stand. This will be huge hit among patrons – its live cooking folks!
Electrofucked – Blindfold a guy and put him on a small platform suspended 30 foot up the air that’s surrounded by a huge pool filled with 400 extremely agitated electric eels. Force him to piss into the pool and watch him get electro-zapped. If he loses his balance and falls, then he’s fucked!
Too Cool For School – Dip the legs of 200 people in liquid nitrogen and lay them down in the middle of the arena in series. Have a stampede of wildebeests run across their legs. The crowd can sing Outkast’s Hey Ya as ice particles fly all over the place. As they say, “What’s cooler than bein’ cool? – ICE COLD!”.
Go Out, Take Out, Log Out – This is for all Counterstrike players. We gather 100 at a time in the middle of the arena and we let them wander around in confusion. We place 10 snipers at hidden positions and watch them give each of these 100 guys headshots one after another. It’ll be completely random, unpredictable and fuckin fun. The panic and mayhem will increase exponentially as the body count adds up. This is my personal favourite.
Blend In – Get a gargantuan blender, dump 50 people in it and rev it. Start slow and build up speed till the 15 minute mark. This one is good for the socialites and sex video publishers.
No Child Left Behind – Get a huge transparent water tank, fill it with water and add enough leeches to make the water turn black. Drop 30 of these obese kids in it and enjoy the show.
Holy Shit – Have a blindfolded naked guy sit on a toilet bowl connected to a rocket engine. Have a countdown and fire the rocket up to space. If the contraption falls back down on someone from the audience and the person survives. Give him a Porsche.
Dungeons & Dragons – Get 5 guys and glue all their dicks together. Shove them into a huge steel cage with a hungry Bengal tiger, a disgruntled Grizzly bear and a pissed off hippo. Also throw a couple of hundred rattlesnakes around just for sound effects. This is going to be one fun experience for the participants of American Idol and other reality shows.
The Maze – A small miniscule bomb is shoved up the assholes of all participants and they are given 2 minutes to pass thru a giant maze constructed in the middle of the arena. If they fail to do so in 2 minutes, the bomb goes off. If they succeed and reach the exit in time, they will have the privilege of having a Molotov cocktail thrown at them by a lucky member of the audience.
God Have Mercy – This one is dedicated to anyone who belongs to an Abrahamic Faith. Divide these people into 3 groups depending on their faith and allow them to recite their respective prayers peacefully. 4 minutes into their prayers, have an airplane fly overhead and drop 3 small napalm bombs and fry everyone; simple solution without the fuss or the muss. This will get you some really amazing ratings, I assure you.
Who’s Got Balls? –We’ll get all the soccer players involved in this one. We’ll fix a small remotely controlled explosive device on all soccer players. Let the games proceed as usual but for every goal, a member of the opposite team gets blown up. We could even have tournaments with soccer teams from every club or nation. Eventually we’ll come down to one player and his goalie to which we then let them in on the real big surprise; the fact that all this while, there’s also been an explosive device in the ball. Kaboom!
Hydroman – Shackle a guy and shove a hose connected to a water pump into his asshole. Turn it on. People can certainly bet on his one. They can bet on the time it’ll take for this guy to explode (right down to the milliseconds). The closest answer wins.
Acid Trip – Pump a guy with a gallon of LSD and then watch him run thru an entire gauntlet which is suspended over a huge tank filled with industrial grade sulfuric acid. The gauntlet can be filled with swinging blades, flame throwers and randomly triggered tranquilizer guns. If he falls into the pool, there goes his acid trip.
Land of the Free – This one is fairly simple. You place random landmines all across the dirt arena and you make 200 people run across it from one end to another, promising them a gift if they get across safely. Most will get blown to bits but some will definitely survive. For those that do survive, refer them to the next event.
The Passion of Christ – Let’s have reenactments of Christ’s murder. We can start off with the complimentary scourging followed by the burdensome carrying of the cross before the inevitable nailing, suffocating and piercing. What an amazing tribute to the man himself!
Home of the Brave – Place about 500 people in the middle of the arena and have those massive Bigfoot 4×4 vehicles driven all across the arena floor just running over as much people as possible. This lasts for a quick 10 minutes. Participants will be instructed to try and dodge as much hits as possible and if they survive, they shall get a gift. Their gift will be a referral to the next event.
The Passion of Peter – The reenactment of St. Peter’s death. This one is fairly similar to Christ only difference is we’ll be crucifying the lucky fellas backwards before pouring some fuel on the crosses and setting it alight while they are still on it. This one should be getting some of the biggest cheers and applauds from the audience.
All of these feats should be recorded and televised to home viewers as well. The revenue received from ticket sales, television commercials and advertising can be used to help the economy circulate and be active; encouraging spending and raising the general standard of living while also keeping the public content, occupied and at ease.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Alright, there you go folks; a 5 step plan to save ourselves from all our financial problems while ensuring that we still have a planet to share among ourselves. If all can adhere to these steps, we’ll have free energy, a happy population, free trade, unlimited labour and a great source of leisure for the public; all necessary elements in promoting peace, stability and prosperity for the world.
Fuck ‘In God, We Trust’. The new tagline is going to have to be:
‘For Us, We Live’.
The following interview took place in Puduraya bus station over a cup of teh tarik. It was a hot Christmas day and God had arrived there at 11.39 am. He was dressed in some torn Lee jeans with a black t-shirt that read ‘I FUCKED YO MAMA!’. He had long shoulder length hair, a small goatee and a scar on his right cheek, just below his eye. He was about 6’ (six feet) in height, looked very pale and he had a swastika on his left wrist with the words ‘White Power!’. As soon as He sat down, He said, “Sorry for being 9 minutes late, I had to find the right attire. Must blend in.”. The interview proceeded…
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Interviewer: So how are you today God? Should I be calling you God? Or are there other names?
God: I am fine boy. No you don’t have to call me God. Because I’m in Malaysia, you can call me Govinda Ong Dollah.
Interviewer: That’s a lil long, don’t you think?
God: Then, just say GOD la!
Interviewer: Ok ok, will do. So, God…the reason why I called you here…
God: Eh hold on. ‘God’ doesn’t sound cool la. Let me see, tell you what. You call me Ramly and pretend I sell burgers for a living. And that my burger stall is outside a 7-11 store. Ok, what were you saying?
Interviewer: Ok Ramly, noted. So, the reason why I called you here is to find out a bit about your thoughts on Christmas and also to hear about your adventures being God. A little personal information about yourself would also be really welcomed. Will that be fine?
Ramly: Boleh gak!
I: Alright. So about 2000 years ago. You sent your only begotten son Jesus down to Earth to spread your message. Is that correct?
R: Something like that la. What happened was, there was this girl, Mary or something, that was chilling about in a garden. So I was feeling quite happy la that night, so I called out “Yo, Gabriel!”. Gabriel was my angel friend la. I’ve been telling him all the time to change his attire, he looks like such a queer, oops I mean bapok, but he never wants to listen to me. And you know me right? I’m not too fond of gaydom! (Genesis 18-19).
I: Yup, that is well documented. So what happened next?
R: So I said to Gabriel, “I want you to go and fuck that girl!”, but he refused, saying that she didn’t ask for it and that it would be wrong. So I said, “You cheap fuck! I have given you a place here to live with all the food and stuff you need and when I ask you to fuck someone, you don’t listen?! Don’t let me go Sodom on your ass!”, he promptly followed my instructions and impregnated Mary.
I: Ah I see. You mentioned earlier that Gabriel said Mary didn’t ask for it?
R: Well, technically she wouldn’t have seen it coming. But I made sure he told her some mumbo jumbo about Holy Spirit ‘coming’ unto her. And yeah, she went along with it.
I: Ramly, if she didn’t want it and she was impregnated anyway, wouldn’t that mean that there was no consent or rather she was fooled into consenting?
R: Well, if you want to get technical and follow Rape laws, yeah then of course la she was Raped.
I: Those would be your words not mine though.
R: Consider it the Word of God la… hahaha. So yeah, I know it’s a bad way for the Son of God to start of his voyage. Lots of deceit, deception and trickery, but, how else you gonna impregnate an innocent, husbandless, naive girl? Huh? Huh? You tell me!
I: Innocent, husbandless, naive girl? Hmm… by not lying to her perhaps?
R: That would be killing the mystery of God. How can people then say “God works in mysterious ways!”?! The sentence would be obsolete.
I: But you just created a new being on this earth who has no real father figure or rather will never know his true father.
R: I know, working on technicalities, Jesus would be a bastard, but at least he has good genes!
I: Alright moving on. What about Joseph? Did you consider his views on this?
I: Is there anything else you want to comment on Joseph?
R: Oh yes. Well, funny thing is, the moment he heard the news he was obviously fuc….err… no nothing else to comment!
I: So, the story goes that Joseph and Mary (just a few hours before delivering) travelled to Bethlehem on a donkey and couldn’t find a single room in the Bethlehem Inn. Why didn’t you do anything for them?
R: What did you expect me to do?
I: Well, you were famous for parting the Red Sea (Genesis 13-15), raining food from the skies (Exodus 16) and flooding the world (Genesis 6-9). Surely you could’ve at least, say built them a hotel or a camp at least?
R: Hmm… I never thought about that. I must’ve been busy trying save the inhabitants of Venus from being fried due to the excessive green house gasses in that place. Fuck ‘Global Warming’, that place is ‘Global Microwaving’. Sometimes, I just don’t have time man. The Universe is a shit huge place! There are some places you guys haven’t even heard of before! Have you heard of The Great Anusia Star Cluster?
R: Well, it exists, about 265 million million light years away from Earth. And don’t worry, you guys will never learn about that place with the current rate of your technological advancements. That place had a massive full scale inter-galactic civil war involving 32 races piloting space ships that could disappear into thin air with death rays that could melt atoms. This Jesus story is nothing!
I: I see. Alright back to this Jesus story. So Jesus was finally born in a dirty manger near the inns.
R: Hahah…I always found that funny…manger. He arrived on a donkey and was born near a donkey. He even rode donkeys later on. Donkey-Boy!
I: I’m sorry Ramly, if I could just take you back. After Jesus was born, 3 wise men were informed of his birth. Why were the three of them informed?
R: Oh those 3 stooges. Well, they were chilling by the country side when I sent some angels to go scare these guys to visit Jesus. There were scared shitless!
The reason I sent them was cause Jesus, Mary and Joseph were broke and were fuckin stinking. Their donkey was dying of a severe leg infection, it had pus and blood oozing out of its nostrils and left knee. The manger also reeked of animal shit. So I sent these 3 old goons to follow a star in the sky to bring Gold (for Jesus, Mary and Joseph to sell and get a new ride), Frankincense (for the place to not smell like dung) and Myrrh (for them to not smell like animal shit).
I: Tell me more about this star in the sky? Why was it only prevalent at that time?
R: Well, Lord Jo’Lok of Planet Penisia in the Anusia Star Cluster had decided to end the war by launching a bionuclear-particle-combusting-wave into the neighbouring solar system, which made every living cell explode when it came into contact with the wave. So there was a huge gargantuan explosion in space which was what the 3 wise men saw.
I: So there was no star?
R: Fuck no! It’s the night sky. How would it be any different from any other night?
I: So why did you choose December 25th as a day for the Saviour?
R: I didn’t. Whoever wrote Christianity probably did. Jesus cannot be blamed for any of this shit. He didn’t write anything down. So whoever did, probably made the damn thing up! I think whoever made it up was probably giving reference to the Sun, which sets the quickest during the Winter Solstice (December 21st) and the concluding 3 days. On the 25th of December it usually starts to spend a little extra time on the Earth’s surface before getting gradually longer everyday and finally ushering spring in February! It’s supposed to be a sign of newness and hope. Some metaphoric shit!
I: Right. Wow, I never knew this.
R: Don’t worry, most Christians don’t either. In fact, Australians still celebrate Christmas! How fuckin dumb is that? They should be banging chicks and enjoying summer man!
I: So what are your thoughts on your Son, Jesus?
R: Well, he was a lost cause. And the Bible doesn’t do much to detail the kind of person he really was. The Bible makes him into a soft, lovey-dovey, humble, weak and fragile man. He was nothing like that. He was a rebel, an outlaw and a fuckin badass!
This man was against religion (Matthew 23), he was anti establishment (Mark 11:15-19) and he loved women (John 8)! He wanted a social revolution (Matthew 5), he was a communist (Mark 6:30-44) and he just didn’t give a fuck (John 18:28 – 19:16)!
He was what I was hoping the human species to become; free from their mindless shackles of ignorance, fear and folly – sadly the damn plan backfired!
I: How did it backfire?
R: Look around, people became what Jesus preached against. Leading a meaningless cycle every year celebrating some faux birthday modeled after the passage of the Sun; ironically, remembering a Man who told them to be free and to love.
I: But don’t people Love their Neighbours? Isn’t that what Jesus said?
R: Jesus said ‘Love your Neighbour as Yourself’ (Mark 12:31). You must first love yourself. Give yourself all that you need; time, attention and care. When you do that, then you will understand Love. After that, turn to the guy next to you, your neighbour, and do the same for him as you do for yourself, then you have – Love your Neighbour!
I: This has been noted indeed Ramly. What are your expectations for the human race?
R: Stop celebrating Christmas! Save a trillion dollars on this one miserable day and give it to a group of people in some shithole God forsaken place that really need it. The reason I forsook that place was well…..cause… it was a shithole, so I think you guys ought to do something about it instead. Don’t hope on me, I have got Anusia to think about!
I: Any final words Ramly?
R: I once said “Be fruitful AND multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Don’t people listen to what the fuck I’m saying?! First be fruitful, that means, solve your problems first; poverty, crime, torture, starvation, corruption, discrimination, conflicts, disputes and wars.
And only then, you multiply. If you haven’t been fruitful, then don’t fuckin multiply!
Peace out Mofos!
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
The interview ended. I paid for God’s teh tarik and accompanied Him to the ground floor of Puduraya where he boarded a bus headed towards Kamunting. I headed back to the parking lot and drove away in my car. I generally found the interview to be wholly inspiring and very enlightening.
I’ve always looked at the Earth as being another extension of Nature. As an extension of Nature, it can most certainly react to our actions in its own way.
And when Man in his arrogance starts his hyper-development, has utter disregard for the environment and forgoes his responsibility to Mother Earth; it’s only a matter of time before Nature thrashes Man back to his place and shuts him up.
Nature doesn’t have favourites. Nature doesn’t share our bigotry. Nature doesn’t care whether you’re rich or poor, with or without a Dato’ title, Bumiputera or not. In fact it is sufficient to say:
Nature Knows Best!
“Smile and the world smiles back at you!”…
It’s hard to say that in Darfur!
It’s a good thing 9/11 never happened in July. If it did then they would have to call it 7/11.