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Seat “fuckin” Belts

Seat belts piss me off. And I think they piss everyone else off as well.

Utility

Firstly, they mess your clothes up. At times, you may need to be someplace important, so you take a considerable length of time tending to your clothes making sure they are crevice-free, only to put on a seat belt and mess everything up. You end up fucking up your own efforts and your shirt now looks like your grandma’s labia.

Secondly, seat belts are serious hazards. Think about the times when you drove from your home and in the middle of your journey, you realise you hadn’t put your seat belt on. Now, you have to twirl and twist around in the already small compartment of your car to manoeuvre the entire seat belt contraption into place, while continuing to maintain a good view of the road as well as looking into the side and rear-view mirrors with at least one hand on the steering wheel while maintaining your leg posture ensuring your car is moving at a steady speed. This to me sounds like a good recipe for a catastrophic accident!

What if you accidentally swerved your car and hit an electric pylon causing a power outage for an entire district? Or worse still, what if the car hits a pedestrian and the dude dies. You’ll have to go to Court where you get charged for Manslaughter and you then get sent to prison to be buttfucked by other prisoners on an hourly basis. Is this really what you want? A sore ass and a destroyed self esteem all because you decided to put your seat belt on.

Even if you did successfully put your seat belt on, someone could hit you from the rear causing you to be thrust forward and your seat belt then digs into your abdomen causing severe chest abrasions, bruising to your abdominal area and damaging some internal organs. Is this truly what you want? More injuries coupled with a broken nose, a fractured collarbone and a whiplash injury?

Or what if some drunken truck driver crashes into your car, crushing it, caving the roof in and causing your seat belt to get jammed? And as you try to unhinge it, your engine catches on fire and the fire services aren’t around yet. Now you’re really fucked aren’t you? Your car explodes and you get to hear and see yourself get fried. Things like this happen frequently to drivers and it’s not something out of the ordinary I assure you. Do you really want to die because you decided to put your seat belt on? Is putting your seat belt on really a risk worth taking?

Seat belts also restrict movement and hamper a person from being free in his own vehicle. Why can’t I move about and drum away to a loud rendition of ‘From Wisdom to Hate’ by Canadian death metal group Gorguts? What about fat people? Seat belts can be severely curtailing to them causing significant discomfort and uneasiness. Or old people? One would think these people would definitely need some legroom to move, fart and burp whenever they like. And how about children? Being driven in a car is the only time children are able to leave the home without being abducted by a sexual predator, having their faces smashed while playing in the playground or having a firecracker blow up their penises. Children definitely need the space. So why restrict these people in an already small tin can? Seems like a completely wasteful and stupid idea to me.

Language

One key ingredient to all of this seat belt bullshit is language. The language used when dealing with seat belts isn’t consistent and most of the time doesn’t even make much sense. Let’s have a look at some examples:

Buckle Up – How? A seat belt must buckled DOWN not UP. There is in fact no upward motion whatsoever when you put your seat belt on.

Put Your Seat Belt On – ‘ON’ here is a problem. ‘ON’ and ‘OFF’ are used to describe two static states. You can turn ‘ON’ the lights and you can turn it ‘OFF’ because a place is either lit or dark. You cannot use ‘ON’ and ‘OFF’ for seat belts because buckling yourself in is an entire process.

First, you’ll need to tilt your head up diagonally 45º to an angle (left if you’re in America and right if you’re in the Commonwealth) to locate the metal flap. After locating it, you’ll have to run your hands through the belt to ensure there are no knots or folds which might hinder the movement as well as the effectiveness of the belt. Then, you’ll have to pull the belt in a calm steady motion, leaving just enough room for you to breathe while allowing just enough space for it to hold you in place. You then have to direct your head downward, diagonal to the direction you were first facing, to locate the buckle where you’ll have to insert the metal flap into. Hold the buckle with one hand and the metal flap with the other and insert the metal flap into the buckle till you hear a distinct ‘click’. This is to ensure that the seat belt is securely fastened and won’t be dislodged. You then once again have to adjust the tightness of the belt to guarantee maximum comfort and sufficient grip; this ensures that the seat belt is being procured in the right manner and will function correctly.

That is indeed quite a fucking epic process and cannot be reduced to a simple ‘ON’ and ‘OFF’.

Buckle Yourself In –You would think that when dealing with a machine capable of great speeds, immense harm and even death, one would certainly like to be IN the car and not OUT. In fact, it goes without saying that for a car to even be driven, one will have to be IN the goddamn car! Besides, it’s only a seat in a fucking enlarged aluminium enclosure. Where else can I possibly buckle myself into, out of the car? What the fuck? This is a completely pointless, useless and redundant phrase.

Please Fasten Your Seat Belt – This is a very interesting phrase. My personal favourite. Firstly, why is the word ‘Please’ there? That simply denotes that the entire phrase is a request and because it is, I can simply refuse to do it. If someone said, “Please suck my dick”, you still could object. But if he said, “Suck my dick right now or I’ll blow your brains out with this shotgun!”, it would be tremendously wise for you to rethink your decision of objecting. So because this is merely a request, I am not compelled in any way to follow what this person has to say.

And it becomes even more perplexing when you consider the word ‘Your’. What if I’m driving a car that I don’t legally own? What if I’m sitting in the passenger seat of a friend’s car? Or what if I’m on public transport, say a bus or taxi? Technically, the seat belt is not mine; it legally belongs to the legal owner of the vehicle. Why then must I adhere to a mere request of using someone else’s property? It seems a little impolite as well, fancifully using someone’s item without any regard or respect for the owner’s wishes. What happens if the owner forbids me from using it because he feels violated? What if he threatens to blow my brains out with a shotgun if I decide to utilise his vehicle’s seat belt? What if he threatens to force me on his genitals if I put on the seat belt in his car? What the fuck am I really supposed to do?

The way I look at it, you don’t have to do anything simply because it’s not ‘Your’ seat belt, so you shouldn’t really give a fuck. If you ever do get a request of putting a seat belt on in someone else’s vehicle, just politely say – “No, thank you. It’s yours, so I think You should use it instead. I’ll use mine when I’m in my own car.”.

Law

But of course, a lot of these seat belt usages are regulated by laws. A lot of people adhere to putting seat belts on simply because the law expects them to do so.

BUT….. even then, it is a very odd law, not to mention an illogical one. Most laws, if not all, are centred around a very simple principle – protecting an individual from harm caused by others. That is the very basis for all criminal legislation – making all actions by others causing harm to you, without your consent, a crime.

Seat belts laws aren’t like that at all. In fact, they’re the opposite – seat belt laws make it illegal for you to cause harm to YOURSELF i.e. by not putting your seat belt on, driving into a brick wall and getting hurt. What the fuck kinda law is that? What I do to myself is nobody’s fucking business. If I intend to shove a hot soldering iron up my asshole while I sing God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman, that’s my fucking entertainment. If I decide to stick a needle up that hole at the end of my penis and masturbate to a picture of Mother Theresa, nobody is supposed to stop me. If I decide to tie a rope around my neck tightly and jackoff reaching a new plateau of sexual orgasm – that’s my problem. I might kill myself doing that, but hey, no pain no gain.

In fact, I can’t seem to think of any law with this kind of rationale. Only one comes to mind – Suicide laws – in certain jurisdictions it is a crime for you to commit suicide. Even then, that depends on whether you fail. If you do fail at committing suicide, then you’re fucked. You’re branded a loser by your friends, family and the State. But if you succeed, congrats, you certainly won’t be hearing from anyone. Or rather, no one will be hearing from you. And even then, laws against suicides are excessive; who is the State to tell me whether I can or cannot kill myself? The State doesn’t own me. I own myself. Furthermore, I didn’t ask to be here on Earth, my parents decided to fuck, so I sure as hell better have the option of deciding if I should stay on this planet or not!

So I wonder, why the fuck is it compulsory for me to not have myself fly out of my windscreen and crash into a hot dog stand? Perhaps someone has some interest in me being alive. Maybe someone has money to be made out of me breathing.

Hmm…I wonder who. Maybe the bankers who gave me my car loan are worried that their crippling interest rates might not be paid up. Perhaps they’re bothered about investing in something with no returns. Maybe they are concerned about the prospects of losing a person indebted to them; a person in indentured servitude – a miserable worthless peon. Maybe the idea of a peon liberating himself from a life of mundanity and dreariness bothers them greatly. Could it be that ‘freedom’ hurts the business of bankers? Might it be the case that the job of bankers are to chain you, shackle you, buckle you, tie you and ensure that you’re belted all the time just so they can make all their revenues and profits out of your unquestioning obedience? Have bankers been using debts and mortgages to promote a lawful version of slavery? Do bankers even have any respect for an individual’s autonomy? Do these bankers actually think life is a prison? It’s all very confusing really.

But well, things can also be made a lot simpler. If everyone and I mean EVERYONE decided to unbuckle their seat belts and drive around town without any regard for the law, the law will become obsolete and it will have to be repealed. The law is only there because people obey it. If you get a summons, don’t pay it. If you get summoned to Court, don’t pay the fine. If they send you to prison for a few days, just comply. Besides, do you really think the police are going to arrest EVERYONE and jeopardize a nation’s economic growth for a few days? Just for a fuckin seat belt? Why I certainly think not! The police have more important things to do; harassing immigrants, accepting bribes from drug cartels and extorting money from unassuming citizens.

Also, as most banks have huge vested interests in just about every business in a city, they will certainly expect their debt ridden peons to be in work on time to drive the machines and supply them with profits. This ‘no seat belt wearing’ trend will greatly worry them. In fact, you may even start to find banks lobbying for the repealing of seat belt laws. We now got THEM by their balls!

Nature

Certain individuals are born stupid, ignorant, weak, irrational and impatient. It is not their fault, they are just born with it; hereditary traits passed down from their parents. This probably explains why you don’t find many Stephen Hawkings, Nikola Teslas, Jiddu Krishnamurtis or Kahlil Gibrans running around. Most people prefer to live a narrow linear existence without any need to want to understand the space around them.

Is this wrong? Certainly not! But it is certainly affecting the livelihood of those who intend who lead a good wholesome life. So Nature should be allowed to exercise its job of removing these useless members of society. And what better way to allow Nature to do its job than to eliminate all barriers to risks. Remove seat belts from vehicles.

Let these motherfuckers apply their irrationality, impatience and arrogance to drive around like a mad hooligan and kill themselves. Why are we trying to stop these excessive risk takers from ending their lives and perhaps even those of their family? We certainly don’t need these people. They are a strain on the economy as well as a great burden to the environment. The less of these people we have, the merrier the rest of us can be.

The very same thing happened to the dinosaurs. Presumably, some meteorite hit the earth, affected the climate drastically and the dinosaurs just couldn’t survive the changes – so they just died. That is Natural Selection – Survival of the Fittest.

Likewise, if these useless members of society can’t learn to be more considerate, compromising and calm on the road and in life, let them crash and burn. They were only asking for it. Their genes are affecting the national gene pool and we certainly do not need people like this. Fuck them! Let them die. Removing seat belts will create a population of insightful people who are able to make critical decisions and judgments in a more composed manner – allowing the species to be much more forward thinking, rational and progressive.

Conclusion: Unbuckle yourself and have a great ride!

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