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Malaysianism

1OtherAsshole

To all Malaysians, this post is also self explanatory.


1Asshole

To all Malaysians, this post is self explanatory.


Malaysianism

Malaysians have always felt inadequate and out of place in their own country. We proudly call ourselves a ‘Multi-ethnic country’ without realising for a minute that countries like Syria, India and Brazil have for centuries had a history of multi-ethnicity.

Malaysians often choose to hide behind meaningless cultural slogans just so we can superficially affirm to ourselves that we’re supposedly united and successful, you know – “Rakyat hidup bersatu dan maju”. Deep down in them, Malaysians are truly afraid of cultural assimilation and social discourse.

Let’s see how it progressed:

Malaysian Malaysia

This was made famous in ’60-‘62 and was merely an attempt by a politician who wanted his own country. I mean can we actually say that we got our independence working together? You gotta be fuckin kiddin with me! The Alliance had three racial parties – it really doesn’t get anymore divided than that. 3 groups of people who couldn’t give a shit about each other decided to selfishly look at their own personal ethnic problems and make it a national issue. They might have all shaken hands and pretended to look united but consider the old KL geography and the bullshit is revealed – Kampung Baru were for the Malays, Bukit Cina & Petaling Street for the Chinese and Brickfields & Sentul for the Indians.

At the end of the day, whether you’re a Malay, Chinese or Indian, we’re all children of immigrants (pendatang); people who came here just to get rich, people who only lived among their own ethnicity and people who couldn’t care less for this land. The Chinese essentially came here to drill the earth and obtain tin, the Indians came here to burden the earth and take rubber and the Malays came to the cities to become traders so that everyone’s bullshit can be facilitated and procured.

Hate to burst your bubble folks, but we were segregated since the beginning AND we did it to ourselves! There is no one to blame but ourselves. The Malays didn’t give a fuck about the Chinese who didn’t give a fuck about the Indians who didn’t give a fuck about the Malays. NOBODY REALLY GAVE A FUCK! We just wanted a piece of land so that we won’t be inconvenienced in the near future. What self-centred bunch of motherfuckers we were.

It was only a matter of time though before the sparks would start to fly and the curtains veiling this “Unity” would catch fire. And that memorable and lovely day was 13th May 1969 when the Malays allowed themselves to be duped by the “Champions of their Rights” and the Chinese just got pissed off and attacked back! The result: hundreds of dead motherfuckers, a shit load of burnt shops and a barrage of vandalised vehicles – A Malaysian Malaysia disaster.

Later, after cleaning the shit stains off our pants, we devised the New Economic Policy, supposedly to deal with the ‘income disparity’ which caused the riots. ‘Human Stupidity’, ‘Political Immaturity’ and ‘Overt Racism’ were not cited as the reasons for the riot when in truth they were. The NEP while seeming to mean well eventually gave way to more ‘Human Stupidity’, ‘Political Immaturity’ and ‘Overt Racism’. In fact, we actually legitimised these traits as being part of the Malaysian life for the next 40 years!

Some intellectuals in an unintellectual attempt thought they could sow unity by making people recite 5 lines. Well, I’ll leave Antares who has done a remarkable job of deconstructing the Rukunegara to highlight to you, “united folks”, how successful the Rukunegara has been.

Also, to be fair, there is nothing really wrong with Article 153 of the Federal Constitution. If a poor, weak, highly sensitive, dopey and forgetful group of people need help, why should be shove them aside and say ‘Fuck Off!’? We must help them. But, whether we are going to ‘Use’ or ‘Abuse’ Article 153 is a whole other issue all together.

It must be remembered that ultimately Article 153 is merely a Privilege or a benefit of sorts not a Right. There is also a great distinction to be made between ‘Teaching a man how to fish’ and ‘Giving a man a fish’.

Malaysia, Truly Asia

Things have now gotten significantly shittier with rich Malays being given privileges they don’t need while the poorer ones are left uneducated, impoverished and under represented. But, it’s not the end. We need the colonialists who visited us once to visit us again, so our fat rich politicians can get fatter and richer. Malaysia’s front running propaganda machine a.k.a. the Tourism Ministry Cocksuckers decide to come up with a new bullshit slogan supposedly displaying Malaysia’s diversity.

Truly Asia?! Truly Asia my ass! In a country where Indonesian maids are abused, Burmese refugees are raped and tortured, Sri Lankan asylum seekers are imprisoned, Mongolian prostitutes are blown up, Nepalese migrants are harassed, Chinese women are forced into the sex trade, Bangladeshi labourers suffer extortion, Thai youths are pushed into forced labour and Indian workers are repeatedly beaten in police custody, I’m sure we’re doing a GREAT job in showing how Truly Asian we are!

And it doesn’t just end there, unfortunately, when these foreigners do visit Malaysia, they are cheated by taxi drivers, not given adequate medical relief in the event they get hurt while travelling, are made to pay a substantially increased amount for tourist spots compared to the locals, are treated like aliens and sanctioned in their holidaying activities (no alcohol in certain states and gender segregation). Whatever happened to the great Malaysian/Asian tradition of welcoming guests with open arms? Have we forgotten ‘Biar Mati Anak, Jangan Mati Adat’?

A new level of ‘Cheap’ folks! We have nothing else to sell so we bullshit others with fake unity, diversity and variety. We tell people that they can skip the fuckin Continent and just visit us. We tell people we’re the centre of the Continent. We persuade others that we want to welcome them when in truth we just want to rob them dry! We are all just as conniving, weasely and disgusting as the half wit shit head who came up with this slogan from somewhere in the dirty chasms of the Ministry Of Culture, Arts & Tourism. All are guilty!

Next comes:

Malaysia Boleh!

This one is just plain fuckin stupid! This one came about during the Everest expedition, right about the time when we developed this incessant need to break records and prove to the First World nations that our dick size is comparable to them.

We developed an over inflated ego and we actually made up our own personal bullshit Record Book to put our embarrassing record feats into; wasting unnecessary public funds and public time – all a byproduct of a Prime Minister who couldn’t make a distinction between ‘Society’s Welfare’ and a ‘Personal vendetta against the West’.

The man was SO insecure about his dick size that he had to plant 3 large cock-looking structures in the heart of KL; The KL Tower and The Petronas Twin Towers. And we glorify him like a God while licking his asshole without considering how much he lulled us with ‘security’ and took our ‘freedoms’ away. You know the one record we have consistently broken all the time? Most Forgetful Nation! We forget who destroyed the judiciary, who abused the law and who silenced the population.

Do you think other nations give a fuck if we have the tallest building or the longest popiah? Even I don’t give a fuck. Shallow records like this are easily broken with a good construction team and a bored bunch of motherfuckers. There’s no Spirit in it whatsoever.

If we are going to be united, we sure as hell better take into account the disadvantaged, poor and marginalised among us as well. You don’t ever hear our people talking about helping the homeless do you? Or what about prostitutes? Or abandoned children? Or the indigenous people? How about building some pipes, levies and banks for the East Coast people whose houses get flooded every year? Nah, we don’t do that cause there’s no money to be made. Nobody really gets any attention, fame or coverage for helping the weaker members of society hence nobody gives a shit! In that respect, Malaysia Tak Boleh. In fact, it would be more appropriate to say Malaysia Tak Nak!

Malaysians continue to dilute themselves with this wasteful nationalistic pride; working endlessly like miserable peons while politicians go on to plaster their names over the efforts of these hardworking people and take all the credit while doing absolutely fucking nothing. Ask any MP right now if they remember the names of the two men who reached the Everest peak? I bet you, I can count those that do with one hand.

To be honest though, even I don’t know their names either and I don’t give a fuck to know too. Why waste time climbing Everest? Why leave your woman at home worried and disappointed? Why freeze your balls in frigid weather conditions? Why not sit back at home and give your woman a good hot fucking and get a warm blowjob yourself? Seems like a much fairer deal and both parties win!

Bangsa Malaysia

This one was a Government policy to reduce the growing rift between ethnicities – in other words – “We’ve fucked up after 45 years!”. Bangsa Malaysia?! Malaysian Race?! Suck my cock till I ejaculate blood! Are you fucking with me? The only way that is going to happen is if a Chinese girl marries a Malay guy and their child marries an Indian whose child then marries someone who is half Punjabi and half Orang Asli. For that to happen in Malaysia without any Court room battles for religious freedom, Islamic conversion and Syariah matters? Fuck you very much!

As long as we continue to constitutionally (Article 160) insult the Malay ethnicity (which is many times older than Islam) by subjugating it to those who profess Islam, we are fucking all our dreams of ever having an open-aired mass collective truly Malaysian interracial gang bang! Besides, has anyone ever thought about the logic of it? To say that one must be a Muslim to be Malay would be like saying one must be a Christian to be White. What the fuck kinda deal is that? Race and especially Religion have been used by politicians in this country to instill fear, shame and guilt on the population just so they can obtain more votes for themselves and continue to remain in power. There are no two ways about it. People are ignorant and politicians are aware of it.

But perhaps this Bangsa Malaysia shit wasn’t meant to be a Racial concept. Maybe it’s a National concept; a national identity – a kind of intentional misinformation concocted to instill undying patriotism and nationalism; an unfounded and irrational love for the country. But why would you do it when National Unity itself would threaten the very fabric of an inherently racist culture and race politics? I’ll tell you why, by taking this campaign and aligning with consumerism and advertising, you now have an EXCELLENT plan to boost up the pockets of the politicians. It now becomes a pedestal used by the ruling government to tell people to buy Malaysian goods, support Malaysian products and contribute to the Malaysian market. As they say – Belilah Barang Buatan Malaysia! – A HUGE STINKING PILE OF BULLSHIT!

The majority of Malaysian products are substandard, low quality, made with no integrity, have shit customer service and have fuckin over-inflated prices. If this is the best we can do, I am not impressed! And I don’t think Malaysians should waste their hard earned cash on worthless shit that has zero workmanship and dedication under the guise of supporting a government that doesn’t give a shit about its people.

This Bangsa Malaysia shit is just another ploy to fork out more cash out of the people so that your politicians can continue to drive German cars, don Italian suits and dine at French restaurants while you settle with Buatan Malaysia seconds, thirds and fourths. Why these politician pricks! The nerve of these fuckers!

BUT, even then, I really don’t think that this Bangsa Malaysia shit came out of the minds of politicians. I really don’t. This is smart shit. No way could it’ve come out of the minds of some lazy, incompetent pieces of shit whose tea breaks are longer than their work hours. A campaign such as this had to be formulated by the rich businessmen who have conveniently absolved themselves from the picture just so they can seem innocent while they puppet everything into place. These are the real crooks in Malaysia, the guys you never read about in the papers; the land owning, mall constructing, oil drilling, resource mining, property developing, bank operating media moguls whose collective wealth and interest amounts to a hefty portion of the Malaysian economy.

These are the people who are guilty for defiling the environment, displacing the indigenous population, buying judges, bribing the police and ensuring that with the help of politicians, legislation is passed to ensure they don’t have any competitions and all government tenders are forwarded straight to them without any consideration for others. These are the people who have truly contributed to the crippling of Malaysians into the drugged, soft and unenlightened people that they now are.

These are the people who give you an apathetic “No Comment” when the county is thrust into social disarray, the kind of people who have no views about solving our worsening social ills, the people who are first to escape to Hong Kong when there are problems or when the shit hits the fan. These are the people who should truly be tried for treason!

Sadly, these are the people who are looked up to the most in society as being “entrepreneurs”, “risk takers” and “visionaries” when in truth they are nothing more than lying stealing cowardly backstabbing shitbags who wouldn’t even lift a finger if this country was burning to the ground and its people were dying on the streets. We may worship them but they couldn’t give less than a shit about YOU!

It must be remembered that these business assholes are only out to amass as much as they can for themselves and leave everyone else with as little as possible. And they’re not just going to stop with the money you have in your wallets, they’re going to go after your Employees Provident Fund (EPF) savings as well, as they have been doing so since late last year. These people are not going to leave a single cent behind folks. Your hardwork and labour all this while in life is going to be used to make other people and investment corporations richer and wealthier – these people DO NOT give a fuck about you or your welfare. They couldn’t care less about you. You are nothing but a worthless piece of shit to them.

Furthermore, even if this whole Bangsa Malaysia shit does kick off to new heights, where does it end? Do we then start discriminating against the Thais, the Singaporeans and the Indonesians? Do we take our prejudices to the national level now? Do we begin to look down on our neighbours? Do we start making life difficult for them? Will our national pride be bigger than Asia? Will we start imposing our views on others? I bet you, we’ll be bossing every South East Asian motherfucker around starting of course with Singapore. Our arrogance will consume us!

‘Bangsa Malaysia’ was nothing more than a critical business decision and ‘Bangsa Malaysia’ is lulling Malaysia to sleep. It is irrelevant verbal drivel that does nothing to truly encapsulate the human spirit or our will to be united.

Nonetheless, it’s sometimes good to have a slogan; it gives you something to strive for and to keep your spirits uplifted. So to resolve this entire dilemma for myself personally, I figured I’ll be a little proactive and come up with my own slogan. A slogan that feels personal as well as empowering, so I came up with a very short and sweet:

Fuck Malaysia!

Yeah folks, fuck Malaysia! Fuck it! Fuck it to the ground! This isn’t a nation I would ever call ‘tanah tumpahnya darahku’ because this nation has never earned my respect, my attention or my devotion. This land is filled with greedy overly-sensitive assholes that really do no give a shit about themselves. There is no truth, love or beauty in this nation.

Everyone indulges in nothing but mediocrity. Malaysians spend hours walking aimlessly like mindfucked zombies in gargantuan malls wasting money, buying garbage and consuming food like slothful pigs. These people fuckin disgust me. Completely inane idiots with zero intellect and an IQ less than a coconut lumber through one mall after another curbing their boredom by filling their fat bellies and their empty heads with shit, filth and scum. Have you considered our catalog: Berjaya Times Square, Lot 10, Pavillion, Star Hill, Sungai Wang, Suria KLCC, Mid Valley, Mid Valley Gardens, Sunway Pyramid 1, Sunway Pyramid 2, Subang Parade, 1 Utama Old Wing, 1 Utama New Wing, IKEA, Putra Place, Sogo, Bangsar Village, Bangsar Shopping Centre, Plaza Phoenix, Leisure Mall, IOI Mall, Great Eastern Mall and these are just in KL and outer Selangor, there are still 12 states to go.

If it’s not malls then it’s Mamaks; a cesspool of Malaysian ignorance, stupidity and vacuity. The same location where you see the mindless youths of Malaysia; Chinese boys, who don on a sickening spiky blond hair with a blinding neon coloured tee and bell bottoms, fidgeting away with their miserable mobile phones on one hand and a cigarette on another; sunglass wearing Indian joes, who wear baggy pants and an imitation Fubu tee which they’ve purchased from Petaling street, speaking in a pseudo-black accent about hip hop and spouting out lame rap lines before ending it with a “Dei, Mee Rebus ngan Teh Tarik kurang manis satu”; Malay guys, with dirty tattered clothes and their motorcycle helmets on the table with a glass of half full limau ais which they ordered 3 hours ago, bickering about how good one of the talentless contestants at Akademi Fantasia was compared to the retard who sang before him and how they proudly exercised their democratic right and their prepaid credit by voting for the miserable fuck. But to be fair, to be really fair, if you can remove the 3 groups of assholes above, you’ll notice mamaks are a pretty bearable place. The staffs are usually attentive, the service is speedy and the food isn’t too bad. Good for a quick snack.

Nonetheless, there’s still one other group of assholes who are COMPLETELY full of shit. Now, these assholes I would actually like to burn slowly with a blow torch. These rich 20-30 something corporate yuppies; these white-collar “executives” and “consultants” who drive their father’s BMW’s, Mercedes Benz’s and Audi’s, these lame anal IPhone carrying, Mac using, KLPAC going, designer clothes wearing, Zouk loving, credit card carrying, clubbing crazy upper/upper middle class self important assfucks who think the world owes them everything. These no good bunch of swine who pollute Malaysia with pretentiousness, artificiality and superficiality. These wankers who think that the only thing wrong with Malaysia is that they don’t have the latest 29 gigabyte RAM in their harddisk or that their mobile phones doesn’t have satellite radio or that their Astro doesn’t have enough channels.

And it’s extremely easy to find these self hyped cocks and cunts as well, just pay a visit to their hangouts; these lame yuppie cocksucking coffee joints that just make me wanna puke my guts out – Starbucks, San Francisco Coffee, Dome, Gloria Jean’s, Coffee Bean, Costa Coffee, Caffé Nero and Hollys Coffee. These are the places where you’ll find them staring stupidly into their laptops; pretending to be at work and be “updated” with some latest technological gizmo they don’t really need before surfing to ITunes and downloading some repetitious 3 note computer composed song made by either of these talentless female “artistes”: Rihanna, Pussycat Dolls, Fergie, Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Britney Spears. Fuck these yuppies! I hope they all die of mouth and ear cancer caused by their mobile phones.

And this shit is becoming a trend. Now even the middle/lower middle class are also getting into this wasteful pastime. You’ll find these assholes in similar joints; these pathetic air conditioned shithouses allegedly trying to recreate the coffee shops of the 40’s and 50’ – Kopitiam, Old Man Kopitiam, New Town Kopitiam, Old Coffee Kopitiam, Old Town Kopitiam, Olden Town Kopitiam, etc. – all are just the same bullshit establishment giving patrons substandard food with a huge price tag.

Also, how can we forget the older members of Malaysia; the people that hatched these bullshits into place. The insecure mid-life crisis old men who frequent these warungs to engage in the most embarrassing act of all – consuming these faux-aphrodisiac quasi-libido-enhancing Tongkat Ali brew; disgusting old sexually repressed grandfathers who are nothing more than patriarchal rapists hiding behind their religious hats and beards. And we wonder why we have cases of incest, rape and molestation within the family in Malaysia? These people need to be hung in the gallows with a noose around their testicles. Fucking perverted pricks!

Alright, time for a little political awareness:

I also believe Malaysians are really full of shit when they ask for a more transparent Government. Are you fucking joking with me? TRANSPARENCY WOULD FUCK THIS COUNTRY TO THE GROUND. The people of this country deserve the Government they have. And it’s not because they didn’t go out and vote but it’s because this is what they truly want for themselves; a Nation where policemen can be bribed, politicians can be bought, municipal councils can be given kickbacks, prosecutors can be corrupted, workers can be abused, women can be discriminated and people’s feelings can be protected by silencing anyone that talks about their religion, race or ethnicity. This, my friends, is what ‘the Rakyat’ truly craves for. And as far as I’m concerned, ‘the Rakyat’ can suck my dick and kiss my balls!

I laugh each time I hear about people wanting Independent Commissions or Investigative Bodies to look into the nation’s problems – are you fucking stupid?! MACC – Failed. Lingam Tape – Failed. Altantuya – Failed. When will people fucking realise that THIS COUNTRY DOESN’T INVESTIGATE ITSELF! This country is not able to investigate itself because if it did, everyone would end up being guilty – the person who bought the submarine, the person who received the commission for the submarine, the person who did the negotiating for the submarine and almost certainly THE PEOPLE who paid for the submarine and require the protection of such a worthless piece of equipment. The blood has always been on ‘the Rakyat’s’ hands.

What’s depressing though is the fact that we only seem to be breeding and increasing in population, filling this beautiful Malaysian landscape with more morons and idiots. Every dipshit wants to have a child when he himself has no clue on how the fuck to have a life.

This, my friends, is the Malaysian culture; Watered-down, Insecurity-driven, West-craving, White-obsessed, Media-manufactured, Obsessive-consumerists, Fear-fed and Herd-conforming shitheads that have nothing to contribute to the Enlightenment of Society or their own Posterity.

We pay so much attention to the banal things that happen in this country without noticing that all of this is just a Story. Yes, A STORY. Doesn’t anyone see that?! We are creating a Story for ourselves as our precious time here on Earth passes and we puppet ourselves to it before cheering and applauding for our performances. Doesn’t anyone ever realise that?

In a few days time, the Story will be about our Prime Minister leaving and the next few days will be spent on his “legacy” after which the focus will be on the by-elections, prior to this was the whole Elizabeth fiasco proceeding after the attacks on Karpal Singh which was subsequent to the Perak mess, before which it was the fatwa on Yoga and Tomboys and before that it was Zaid Ibrahim’s vocal views on Ketuanan Melayu following Anwar’s supposed take over………..

We are merely creating this long Story for ourselves as we go along our personal path of life. Don’t people see that this Story is taking us somewhere, somewhere miserable, as we await our death? That the more we move and refuse to be still and experience the beauty, joy and wonder within us as humans, we will continue to annihilate our lives with drudgery, heartache and suffering? Is this really the lives that Malaysians want? How long will it take us to realise that true happiness can only come from giving happiness to another human being and not by bickering over who got off the boat first and who deserves special rights?

This is why I have no hope for this nation whatsoever. The more I look around, the more I see a nation being flushed a little deeper down the toilet every day out of ITS OWN ignorance, egoism and selfishness. And I see nothing but comedy and hilarity in it as well. So much of potential, gifts and rewards wasted on Division rather than Communication.

I have resolved myself to a very real conclusion: this 51 year old circus is the best Malaysians can do for themselves. It won’t get any better and it certainly will only get a lot worse. Malaysians will one day, not too long from now, look back upon themselves and ask themselves, “How did we get here? & Why did we fuck up?”. By that time, it’ll be too late to do anything, everything that we ever aspired to be would be out of reach. We’ll all be collectively fucked.

Nonetheless, I figured, I’ll leave you all with something to ponder on. Something positive. An experiment of sorts, for all Malaysians:

When you wake up tomorrow morning, forget your race, forget your ethnicity, forget your religion, forget your God, forget your national origin and forget your nationality – just for one day, better still a week. Look at yourself as a human being – one with ambitions, dreams and beauty. Look at another person and realise that without being brainwashed about his race, ethnicity, religion, God, national origin and nationality that he is just as you; a human being – one with ambitions, dreams and beauty. Now, continue to lead your life under this perspective for one day, just one day, better still a week.

All you need now is Love.

Could you actually do it? Are you able to do it? Can you even consider doing it?

This is what Malaysia isn’t. This is what Malaysia should’ve been. This is why Malaysia will never be.


Mat Rempit

I like Mat Rempits. I really do. Firstly, they just don’t give a fuck! And I really admire a quality like that in a person. Why should one be bound by the precedents and views of others? Fuck them! If you do not consider yourself as ‘others’, then why be bogged down by their dictates? Get a bike, rev it up to full speed and live freely!

Secondly, Mat Rempits are the outcome of our Government’s policy. And when I say Government, I refer not to just our political parties but I refer to every single one of you; from the fuck who votes to the dude who works in the counter at Lembaga Peperiksaan to the big Bureaucrat who makes the “decisions”.

Think about it for a second: Education or rather Governance in Malaysia isn’t geared towards helping people harness their skills as individuals or providing opportunities to people so that they don’t end up homeless or jobless – Governance in Malaysia is based on providing as much money to build bigger schools, larger sports complexes, taller buildings, better computers and enhanced facilities. We build tools not people.

Nobody really cares about the individual. Nobody is really bothered about the person. Nobody allows the student to find himself.

Now think about the Mat Rempit story: A little boy who comes from a poor as fuck family in a marginalised area often raised by a single parent; most usually his mum who sells karipap by the side of the road. She has to raise this boy and ensure that he gets educated with what meager money she has. The boy now is done with his SPM after scoring a mediocre grade as he had no access to sufficient educational material. He has no real skills and was never coaxed to find it while in school. His teachers never paid attention to him and nobody sat down with him to tell him what his options were after graduating.

So he gets himself a low-paying-mundane-no-skill job in a factory putting pins into holes or making holes in pins. He is severely frustrated in life and buys a cheap motorbike to get to work. He has insufficient money for entertainment, he has no prospects for social mobility and will always be poor – SO he races!

He races to have fun. He races to be recognised. He races to win money.

Thirdly, do we care enough to help them to a different path? Fuck NO! We go on vilifying them, racially discriminating them and the police show absolute disregard for them; savagely beating and brutalising them while in custody – adding more salt to the wound. We pick on them, we laugh at them and we hope for their demise. To a large extent most of us want them locked up and put away so we can all safely use our roads and sleep peacefully at night without being reminded of how we vicariously fucked these young people’s lives up.

But they won’t stop racing and I certainly hope they don’t. It’s a social group, a support group, the Mat Rempits. It’s an opportunity for these youths to meet like-minded individuals who have the same story, to seek acceptance and to collectively realise how pissed off they are with the rest of the nation for treating them like dirt rather than as individuals. So they go on their adventures weekly destroying property, committing crimes and being utter hooligans – giving back to society what society gave to them.


Cars

The Italians are known for being Adventurous, Wild and Expressive and this is reflected quite well in their Ferraris, Lamborghinis and Maseratis.

The Americans have always come across as being Big, Tough and Mean and they have their Dodges, Pontiacs and Corvettes.

The Japanese are highly Practical and are generally Small sized people who lead a very Quick-paced life and much like that are their Mitsubishis, Hondas and Toyotas.

The British are people who love to stand by their Tradition, have great Pride in who they are and love things to be Grand, so they have their Rolls Royces, Austin Healeys and Aston Martins.

The Germans are Ingenious people who value Integrity and have superb Precision in their workmanship which explains their Mercedes Benz, BMWs and Audis.

In Malaysia, we have Proton and Perodua…..we are well known for being __________, _____________ and ____________.


I’ll leave you good Malaysian folks to try and figure this one out yourselves….


Orang Asli

We’ve placed them just far enough that no Malaysian can see them and just close enough that all the Tourists can find them…

…part of the great spirit of ‘Tolerance’ we’re well known for in this crumbling Federation!

 

Orang Asal


A Christmas Interview with God


The following interview took place in Puduraya bus station over a cup of teh tarik. It was a hot Christmas day and God had arrived there at 11.39 am. He was dressed in some torn Lee jeans with a black t-shirt that read ‘I FUCKED YO MAMA!’. He had long shoulder length hair, a small goatee and a scar on his right cheek, just below his eye. He was about 6’ (six feet) in height, looked very pale and he had a swastika on his left wrist with the words ‘White Power!’. As soon as He sat down, He said, “Sorry for being 9 minutes late, I had to find the right attire. Must blend in.”. The interview proceeded…

. . . . . . . . . . . . .


Interviewer: So how are you today God? Should I be calling you God? Or are there other names?

God: I am fine boy. No you don’t have to call me God. Because I’m in Malaysia, you can call me Govinda Ong Dollah.

 Interviewer: That’s a lil long, don’t you think?

God: Then, just say GOD la!

Interviewer: Ok ok, will do. So, God…the reason why I called you here…

God: Eh hold on. ‘God’ doesn’t sound cool la. Let me see, tell you what. You call me Ramly and pretend I sell burgers for a living. And that my burger stall is outside a 7-11 store. Ok, what were you saying?

Interviewer: Ok Ramly, noted. So, the reason why I called you here is to find out a bit about your thoughts on Christmas and also to hear about your adventures being God. A little personal information about yourself would also be really welcomed. Will that be fine?

Ramly: Boleh gak!

I: Alright. So about 2000 years ago. You sent your only begotten son Jesus down to Earth to spread your message. Is that correct?

R: Something like that la. What happened was, there was this girl, Mary or something, that was chilling about in a garden. So I was feeling quite happy la that night, so I called out “Yo, Gabriel!”. Gabriel was my angel friend la. I’ve been telling him all the time to change his attire, he looks like such a queer, oops I mean bapok, but he never wants to listen to me. And you know me right? I’m not too fond of gaydom! (Genesis 18-19).

I: Yup, that is well documented. So what happened next?

R: So I said to Gabriel, “I want you to go and fuck that girl!”, but he refused, saying that she didn’t ask for it and that it would be wrong. So I said, “You cheap fuck! I have given you a place here to live with all the food and stuff you need and when I ask you to fuck someone, you don’t listen?! Don’t let me go Sodom on your ass!”, he promptly followed my instructions and impregnated Mary.

I: Ah I see. You mentioned earlier that Gabriel said Mary didn’t ask for it?

R: Well, technically she wouldn’t have seen it coming. But I made sure he told her some mumbo jumbo about Holy Spirit ‘coming’ unto her. And yeah, she went along with it.

I: Ramly, if she didn’t want it and she was impregnated anyway, wouldn’t that mean that there was no consent or rather she was fooled into consenting?

R: Well, if you want to get technical and follow Rape laws, yeah then of course la she was Raped.

I: Those would be your words not mine though.

R: Consider it the Word of God la… hahaha. So yeah, I know it’s a bad way for the Son of God to start of his voyage. Lots of deceit, deception and trickery, but, how else you gonna impregnate an innocent, husbandless, naive girl? Huh? Huh? You tell me!

I: Innocent, husbandless, naive girl? Hmm… by not lying to her perhaps?

R: That would be killing the mystery of God. How can people then say “God works in mysterious ways!”?! The sentence would be obsolete.

I: But you just created a new being on this earth who has no real father figure or rather will never know his true father.

R: I know, working on technicalities, Jesus would be a bastard, but at least he has good genes!

I: Alright moving on. What about Joseph? Did you consider his views on this?

R: No!

I: Is there anything else you want to comment on Joseph?

R: Oh yes. Well, funny thing is, the moment he heard the news he was obviously fuc….err… no nothing else to comment!

I: So, the story goes that Joseph and Mary (just a few hours before delivering) travelled to Bethlehem on a donkey and couldn’t find a single room in the Bethlehem Inn. Why didn’t you do anything for them?

R: What did you expect me to do?

I: Well, you were famous for parting the Red Sea (Genesis 13-15), raining food from the skies (Exodus 16) and flooding the world (Genesis 6-9). Surely you could’ve at least, say built them a hotel or a camp at least?

R: Hmm… I never thought about that. I must’ve been busy trying save the inhabitants of Venus from being fried due to the excessive green house gasses in that place. Fuck ‘Global Warming’, that place is ‘Global Microwaving’. Sometimes, I just don’t have time man. The Universe is a shit huge place! There are some places you guys haven’t even heard of before! Have you heard of The Great Anusia Star Cluster?

I: No.

R: Well, it exists, about 265 million million light years away from Earth. And don’t worry, you guys will never learn about that place with the current rate of your technological advancements. That place had a massive full scale inter-galactic civil war involving 32 races piloting space ships that could disappear into thin air with death rays that could melt atoms. This Jesus story is nothing!

I: I see. Alright back to this Jesus story. So Jesus was finally born in a dirty manger near the inns.

R: Hahah…I always found that funny…manger. He arrived on a donkey and was born near a donkey. He even rode donkeys later on. Donkey-Boy!

I: I’m sorry Ramly, if I could just take you back. After Jesus was born, 3 wise men were informed of his birth. Why were the three of them informed?

R: Oh those 3 stooges. Well, they were chilling by the country side when I sent some angels to go scare these guys to visit Jesus. There were scared shitless!

The reason I sent them was cause Jesus, Mary and Joseph were broke and were fuckin stinking. Their donkey was dying of a severe leg infection, it had pus and blood oozing out of its nostrils and left knee. The manger also reeked of animal shit. So I sent these 3 old goons to follow a star in the sky to bring Gold (for Jesus, Mary and Joseph to sell and get a new ride), Frankincense (for the place to not smell like dung) and Myrrh (for them to not smell like animal shit).

I: Tell me more about this star in the sky? Why was it only prevalent at that time?

R: Well, Lord Jo’Lok of Planet Penisia in the Anusia Star Cluster had decided to end the war by launching a bionuclear-particle-combusting-wave into the neighbouring solar system, which made every living cell explode when it came into contact with the wave. So there was a huge gargantuan explosion in space which was what the 3 wise men saw.

I: So there was no star?

R: Fuck no! It’s the night sky. How would it be any different from any other night?

I: So why did you choose December 25th as a day for the Saviour?

R: I didn’t. Whoever wrote Christianity probably did. Jesus cannot be blamed for any of this shit. He didn’t write anything down. So whoever did, probably made the damn thing up! I think whoever made it up was probably giving reference to the Sun, which sets the quickest during the Winter Solstice (December 21st) and the concluding 3 days. On the 25th of December it usually starts to spend a little extra time on the Earth’s surface before getting gradually longer everyday and finally ushering spring in February! It’s supposed to be a sign of newness and hope. Some metaphoric shit!

I: Right. Wow, I never knew this.

R: Don’t worry, most Christians don’t either. In fact, Australians still celebrate Christmas! How fuckin dumb is that? They should be banging chicks and enjoying summer man!

I: So what are your thoughts on your Son, Jesus?

R: Well, he was a lost cause. And the Bible doesn’t do much to detail the kind of person he really was. The Bible makes him into a soft, lovey-dovey, humble, weak and fragile man. He was nothing like that. He was a rebel, an outlaw and a fuckin badass!

This man was against religion (Matthew 23), he was anti establishment (Mark 11:15-19) and he loved women (John 8)! He wanted a social revolution (Matthew 5), he was a communist (Mark 6:30-44) and he just didn’t give a fuck (John 18:28 – 19:16)!

He was what I was hoping the human species to become; free from their mindless shackles of ignorance, fear and folly – sadly the damn plan backfired!

I: How did it backfire?

R: Look around, people became what Jesus preached against. Leading a meaningless cycle every year celebrating some faux birthday modeled after the passage of the Sun; ironically, remembering a Man who told them to be free and to love.

I: But don’t people Love their Neighbours? Isn’t that what Jesus said?

R: Jesus said ‘Love your Neighbour as Yourself’ (Mark 12:31). You must first love yourself. Give yourself all that you need; time, attention and care. When you do that, then you will understand Love. After that, turn to the guy next to you, your neighbour, and do the same for him as you do for yourself, then you have – Love your Neighbour!

I: This has been noted indeed Ramly. What are your expectations for the human race?

R: Stop celebrating Christmas! Save a trillion dollars on this one miserable day and give it to a group of people in some shithole God forsaken place that really need it. The reason I forsook that place was well…..cause… it was a shithole, so I think you guys ought to do something about it instead. Don’t hope on me, I have got Anusia to think about!

I: Any final words Ramly?

R: I once said “Be fruitful AND multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Don’t people listen to what the fuck I’m saying?! First be fruitful, that means, solve your problems first; poverty, crime, torture, starvation, corruption, discrimination, conflicts, disputes and wars.

And only then, you multiply. If you haven’t been fruitful, then don’t fuckin multiply!

Peace out Mofos!

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

The interview ended. I paid for God’s teh tarik and accompanied Him to the ground floor of Puduraya where he boarded a bus headed towards Kamunting. I headed back to the parking lot and drove away in my car. I generally found the interview to be wholly inspiring and very enlightening.