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Jizz In My Pants

This one is dedicated to all the Clubbing jerkoffs, who have very admirably pulled the species a little further down into the shithole!

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Why are we fatally attracted to photographing ourselves?

I can’t quite put my finger on this ridiculous activity which people relate to as being a “past time” or a “hobby”. I do not see an issue if you were a professional photographer who takes pictures and sells them for a living. That to me is an art. Because you sure as fuck will be compelled to take breathtaking pictures which convey an exquisite moment in time. But to mindlessly bring a camera along with you everywhere you go just to document people’s remorseful existence and yours as well is another thing all together. It to me is an extremely sad and depressing thing to do.

Do we really lead such forgetful lives that we have to remind ourselves how we look like?

Walk around town and you see these completely ridiculous looking youths; dark framed spectacles, with neon or tartan tees and a thin cut jeans listening to some pathetic music which they label as ‘Indie’, walking around with their most recent unwisely spent materialistic opiate called a digital camera; failing to realize that by their cameras being ‘digital’, it has completely robbed the authenticity of all their pictures as well as absolved them from 90% of the talent and foresight required to take a good picturesque shot. You see these motherfuckers taking hundreds and hundreds of shots of their god as fuck ugly friends.

It’s always the same asshole in the shots as well and no matter the lighting or the location, it’s always the same retarded pose which bears a striking resemblance to my Granma’s dog’s syphilis infected penis.

Or if it’s not their friends, then it’s the food they eat, which in all honesty, who the fuck gives a fuck how it looks like? It’s gonna be in the shitter anyway in 4 hours time. In fact, if you’re going to take pictures of the food before consumption, you better take a shot of it after consumption. It’s only fair. Besides, if you say its art before digestion, then it has to be art after digestion as well. To say SHIT is not artistic is to insult the output that comes out of the human body and therefore the essence of humanity. So don’t be a pretentious dipshit! Take a picture of your toilet bowl after you’re done taking a shit and put it out for the world to see.

Do we lead such a bankrupt life that we have to look at ourselves to affirm our existence?

Don’t people just stand and appreciate a beautiful moment anymore? Whatever happened to remembering things? Recollecting thoughts? Dreaming of a stunning sight you once experienced?

A piece of music is a fine example of what art is. Every note, every accent and every sound is an expression of a composer’s deepest emotional resonance. To play a piece of music that is, suppose, 12 minutes in length, is to reenact the composer’s state of being during the moment the melody transpired through him. Every note must be played according to how it has been designated.  No one note is more special than another, no ending is more important than the beginning, no crescendo is more important than a decrescendo – all is required in full wholesomeness to recapitulate another human being’s moment of intense introspection. The whole piece is a reflection of the composer’s experience while being alive.

A photograph of your friends or the food you shove down your stinking gut will never accomplish that. It in fact serves to distill human relationships and emotions and reduce it to a mere spot in a recycled album, a meager fleeting kilobyte, a worthless collage of colours void of any artistic merit or interpretation, in short – GARBAGE.

What is most disappointing is if it ends up on any of these social networking shithole sites, which only serve to ridicule a person’s existence; her precious moment, her then present experience is frozen into an impersonal still facade for the uninformed viewing of a vanity obsessed reality deprived public. It by no means encapsulates the happiness, sadness, playfulness or gloom that a person may be afflicted with at the moment the picture was taken. It is but another screenshot in cyberspace, preceding some loser clicking on word “Next” to view the next permutation of pixels.

And the Public, this is another buncha shits. Why on earth do people waste their precious time looking at the pictures of others? Must the public continue to waste their pointless lives browsing through hundreds and hundreds of low grade disdainful pictures just to fill their empty lives with the life and times of another fucking loser? Don’t you have other better things to do? Masturbate? Simulate a rape with your boyfriend? Piss on your neighbour’s pet poodle? Or at the very least, read a book? This does indeed reaffirm the point that the human species is nothing more than S.H.I.T.

Do we really have nothing else better to do in life than to analyse our own lackluster appearances?

I wanna take a shit on these shitty cam whores who can’t stop taking pictures of themselves. They do it in cars, bus stops, clubs, rest stops, petrol stations, restaurants, cinemas, bars, parties, hotels, cafes, classrooms, workplaces, parks, social events and even during fuckin funerals. Do these whores ACTUALLY view these pictures again later?! Jesus fuckin Christ, what great fucking self obsessed dismal lives these people lead!

Taking 200 pictures of yourself in 9 minutes is not going to make you look any less uglier than you already are. You are still going to be the same spastic looking circus freak that you always have been, only difference being, you’d be a whole lot more stupider after the 9 minutes which you could’ve spent learning an alphabet or two.

What are these people so unconfident about? That people might think they look like dog shit? Well, even if people did think so, they aren’t gonna tell you aren’t they? In fact, they’re just going to be laughing behind your back about the sickly noxious and nauseating mugshot of yours which you call “my beautiful side”. The least you could do is save yourself the embarrassment and humiliation of that genetic malformation which you call your ‘face’.

The whole idea of taking your pictures and that of others and posting it up on the net puzzles me tremendously; must we really go on to parade our pictures to people who already know how we look like? If you look like a baboon’s cunt, then you look like a baboon’s cunt. No amount of your pictures is ever going to change my outlook on you. The least you could do is at least jam a cucumber up your asshole and take a picture of that, perhaps then I might say, “Hey this looks like (insert your name here)!”.

But think of the time, effort and energy it must’ve taken you just to appeal to your own unforgiving standards of yourself? At which point do you just breakdown and accept the miserable and paltry life you lead? How your banal and inconsequential existence is as important as your anal discharge? I think the more you deny yourself the truth of the matter, the more misery and burden you impose upon your sorry existence. You will never be happy with yourself….ever!

Must we constantly remind ourselves of the past?

People who take pictures because they like to remind themselves of the past are leading a horribly murky and unenlightening life. Why live in the past? The past is absolutely irrelevant and unimportant. Thinking about the past only makes you doubt yourself.

If you run away from the joys of experiencing the present moment then you live in fear.You live in denial. You are thoroughly insecure about the life you currently lead. You are of no value to yourself. You are worse than a pile of chicken diarrhea.

Why the fuck bother reminding yourself of the people who brand themselves as your so called friends? Why lead a decrepit life of going back to ALL those pictures you took? All just to counsel yourself that someone out there supposedly cares for you simply because they were in the same picture with you? Why are you bullshitting yourself? Fuck you!

You are alone, singular and unaided in this life. Nobody gives a fuck about you or your problems. Nobody appreciates you. And nobody cares about your sorry wasted little insignificant life. In fact, truth be told, secretly, most people might even want you to be dead or at the very least contract AIDS.

If you were hanging by a cliff, 10/10 people would not help you if your survival would result in their demise– that’s the reality of it. Nobody is willing to sacrifice their perfectly healthy bodies to save a skimpy shit like you. Accept that as a Universal Truth and move on you meandering fuck!

What possible delight could you even derive from seeing someone else’s face when you could just as well speak to them on the telephone? What good would it make to remember some dead mofo or your significant other who has left you? I was always under the impression that these people must be forgotten. What the fuck are you doing storing pictures of other people and staring at them while recollecting those dilapidated times you spent with them which they themselves have long since forgotten or have tried to forget? What kinda retardation do you really suffer from?

Move on with your life and learn to appreciate every moment you spend today; every thought, every word, every action of yours is akin to every note, every accent and every sound of a piece of music, it is your deepest emotional resonance. Your own life is indeed a symphony; your very own magnum opus!

It’s just too bad that your stupidity is hindering you from dumping your camera into a shit bin and realising it!


Oprah

I greatly despise The Oprah Winfrey Show and Oprah herself. I think the show for the most part gives excessive attention on materialism and consumerism, it manufactures culture, paints Oprah as a God, highlights ridiculous issues which have no bearing on humanity and pays homage to mediocrity i.e. celebrities, Hollywood and pompous pop psychologists.

It’s just one big support group where weak, jaded and dumb Americans can bullshit themselves with ‘caring’, ‘sharing’, ‘giving’, ‘nurturing’ and ‘dreaming’.

Fuck Oprah! I hope she dies of uncontrollable diarrhoea and vaginal cancer!

Nonetheless, if the people from Oprah’s studio are looking for guests, here’s a list of people Oprah should get for her show:

An intellectual pirate

A gay mechanic

An Arab streaker

A stripper with leprosy

An elephant trainer with elephantiasis

A storytelling rapist

A transsexual terrorist

A Bangladeshi Goth

A wheel chair bound Clown

It’ll most certainly be garnering the Highest Ratings for the Year!


Advertising: Bullshit!

Advertisers first started with:

Buy One get One free

They then realised that that made it sound like they were selling unwanted excess. The word ‘Free’ made it sound cheap. So they manufactured the promotion as:

Two for the price of One

This time around the ‘Two’ is accentuated giving people the illusion that they are getting more than they bargained for, but when at the counter you would realise you aren’t paying for one of the items; making the items seem low-cost and even suggesting low-quality. So they moved into:

Buy Two for Half price

You actually have to think this one out to comprehend it. It has the ‘Two’ but it cites ‘Half price’ giving you the illusion of discount and making you presume you’re still paying for both and getting the same quality.

Sadly though, you’re still being fucked with the same bullshit only repackaged with a fancier wrapping paper!


S.H.I.T.

Why are people afraid of their own shit? It came from them anyway!

How can it be dirty? If it was, then so would you!

People have recently started inventing new devices and gadgets to minimise the physical contact and even the visual exposure to their own shit. Somehow over the recent decades, shit has begun to take on a new image. It was once part of the great cycle of Nature; manure for the plants, nourishment for the soil and sustenance for the earth. Today, shit is something you get rid off IMMEDIATELY – waste, filth, dirt; an unclean toxic pollutant!

At one time, people used their good ole hands to wipe the excess remaining shit off their ass – back then, people would admire the lumps their shit made on their palms; brown and soft wafer-like chunks that stuck on your palm, with watery trails of green syrup running down your wrist. Touching a piece of shit gently would mush it to a soaking sludgy splatter which saw a dark murky chocolate juice release from it with a remaining thick and gooey mess that felt so warm. Pressing it a little further and you could feel the tiny grainy crumbs of shit that is oh so rough, bumpy and wet. Rolling it into a ball you could see the specks of shit sprinkle all around your hands while a fat fleshy plump pulp begins to shape and the softness of your shit begins to harden and take form. Man, being curious creatures, then sticks his tongue out and takes a good lick of the flowing creaminess and then gently brushes the ball of shit on his tongue; tasting very slowly every inch of salt, sour and bitter his shit has to offer. Yum!

Things moved on to leaves later and slowly to toilet paper these days. Even the sumptuous smells were replaced by fresheners and purifiers. One time, Man use to dig a hole and take a shit in it, then he started doing it in collectable pots, slowly into squatting pipe holes and now into the modern sitting toilet bowls. These days in Japan, the toilet bowls even wash your ass for you. Gone were the days where you had to get down and dirty with a good ole plastic pail, your hands and your ass. Every hand stroke through your ass crack was a gamble; sometimes you got lucky with soft, soggy, moist and clammy remains on your hands… and some other days… well, you just left empty handed…literally!

But, in reality

To be fair though, we still have an infatuation or curiosity with our shit – just not the one that comes out of our ass. Today, we smear our shit on Myspace, Friendster and Facebook. We spend hours obsessed about pictures of ourselves, worthless self promotions, incredibly dumb personal advertorials and humiliatingly sad self infomercials. Oh, and let’s not forget the lame fucking Profiles!

Everyone wants to spread their shit around under the guise of ‘networking’, ‘making new friends’ and ‘keeping in touch’ AND everyone is munching, chewing and puking each others shit out for the easy consumption of others.

So much effort gone into creating a false image; 1001 pictures to convey someone’s “cool” social life, groups of conformists that represent “individuality” and staged videos which capture “real moments”. Where there is shit folks, there will be people; consuming, eating and feeding – giving rise to the next breed of Kardashians, Tequilas and Hiltons.

You are shit folks! You are Shit! So stop your embarrassing self glorification on Myspace, Facebook and Friendster. Delete your account, take a full whiff of your shit in the toilet and realise that you are completely full of shit! Then move on and have a real life.

You Stinking Heaps of Irrelevant Turds!


The Box

I am a drug which people are addicted to

I am legal

I provide false reality to people

I am the Government’s biggest propaganda tool

I am responsible for the decline in human intelligence

I am to blame for the destruction of the family

I am guilty for making people complacent

I constantly lull people to sleep

I manufacture your thoughts

I waste your money

I make your choices

I create your culture

I influence your values

I provide you with the illusion of safety and security

I curtail your freedom to be yourself

I restrict the truth from reaching your ears

I am a whore to the advertising world and you are my client

I play with your irrational fears

I am the source of your inadequacies

I am responsible for making you hate yourself

I own you

…and yet

You love me!


Sportsmanship

To me a Sport has two components.

1) Complete physical agility; both legs, both hands and torso must be used.
2) Full mental focus; this includes the right side of the brain that conceptualises the sport and the left which works out the strategies to win.

Folks, let me tell you the honest truth:

Football (or soccer) is NOT a Sport.

What is the point of having a Sport that allows you to use your legs but not your hands? The whole thing is without logic!

People say – “Well, that’s the challenge of football” – BULLSHIT!

If I can get 10 physically challenged or disabled guys who lost both their hands in a freak helicopter accident on a field to play football, they would not find it to be a challenge at all! Football can be played by disabled people without any difficulty. Throw-ins might seem like a problem but with there being a 100% reduction in punching, shoving, stabbing, poking, slamming, pushing, pulling, pounding, slapping and hitting, the referee could easily throw the ball in or get the linesman to do it (they are excessively overpaid for what they do anyway). The goalie isn’t an issue because he uses his entire body and his mind as well, so I’ll be able to get any average person.

Now, if disabled people can play the sport without a challenge; then there is no ‘challenge’ in the sport.

Football is ultimately a sissy game played by soft people from Cambridge University; the kind of University you would go to if your father is full of shit and your mother thinks too highly of you. Football isn’t a sport. It is merely an Activity engaged by people who can’t play Sports.

Whatever happened to real Sports and Sportsmanship?

You know, the kind of sport we use to be proud about. The kind of sport which was exclusive and only the strongest Sportsmen among us played it and the rest shy away because they were aware of their own weaknesses. The kind of sport that saw you go into a whirlpool and come back with nothing short of a broken nose; where losing blood was the norm and men were still able to procreate after getting hit 23 times in the balls (for every match). A sport where the players came from your village and not some country across a freaking ocean and who doesn’t speak your language or know anything about you!

William Webb Ellis would be laughing right now if he saw what Football has done for this planet.

Football?

Only soft losers play football these days and sadly 98% of those who do are completely talentless at it. It doesn’t help either that big clothing labels continue to exploit people’s irrational fear of ‘not being accepted’. So they go on to get these “football stars” to endorse their garbage, while dumb consumer numbskulls go on to buy these shit products thinking they’ll be able to play football as good as the “stars” or that their so-called-friends would accept them as being ‘Cool’.

And why the need to sensationalise someone’s life? Is your life really that hollow that you have to be bothered about who David Beckham fucks? Is your life really devoid of meaning that you have to give a shit about Ronaldinho’s underwear size? Do you actually waste 2 hours of your life reading the tabloids on when footballer’s girlfriends are having their periods?

Football is not a sport. It is a big business franchise, thriving on human weakness while acting as a gateway for advertisers and marketers to smear their faeces all over your TV screen, so that you will remain asleep to the Government who is fucking you off your tax money and discouraging you to pick up a book and educate yourself, you stupid miserable worthless ignorant Coke-drinking fuck!