5 ways to solve the Economic Crisis!
Everyone seems to be talking about the Economic Crisis and how bad things are. Do you really give a fuck? I certainly don’t. In fact, I hope and pray for it to get worse by the day just so Man can learn a very valuable lesson: Don’t Buy Things You Don’t Need With Money You Don’t Have!
Barack Obama has this massive stimulus package. Do you think it’ll work? I think it’s a piece of shit. You don’t need to be an Economist to know that the more money you print, the further into debt a nation will fall into. America should’ve realised a long time ago that ‘arming foreign radical groups’ and ‘illegal wars’ are a pricey fuckin business. America buttfucked itself! So fuck Barack Obama and fuck the Federal Reserve!
I have a very straightforward outlook on life and it somehow makes understanding everything a lot simpler. I look at life as being completely meaningless and everything around us is devoid of any value. Gold only has value because we collectively agree to give it value. Likewise, a piece of paper has value because your Government has placed the words ‘Legal Tender’ on it.
People are struck with boredom ever since the day they’re born so they have to figure out ways to kill time and give themselves some illusion of purpose. Biologically, we are programmed to keep our lives running but what we do with it is solely our own problem. There is no Universal Law or Moral Way to lead our lives, we just do what makes us feel good and we keep doing it.
If we think materialistic goods make us feel happy, we call out for entrepreneurs to manufacture it, who in turn will require us to work for them for wages which we have to place in banks, who lend it out to other entrepreneurs who go on to destroy the environment to give us more materialistic goods which make us feel happy.
Sometimes, we may want to control a group of people. So we just make up a false story of their previous history and indoctrinate them with it and ensure that their children and their children’s children are also taught the same thing. If it operates at the national level it’s called Nationalism, if at the personal level, then it’s called Religion. Same Bullshit – Different Story.
Life is ultimately just ‘Entertainment’. But we’re all so caught up in the drama that we always forget to stop and laugh.
So, to get around this Entertainment or rather to strive the best I can to be an observer rather than an entertainer, I figured I’ll think of 5 ways in which we can solve this Economic Crisis. Most of these are fairly simple measures that just require a little bit of courage and some good friendly Government support.
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Utilise The Dead
Here’s one group of people entirely unused – the dead. In a world where resources are becoming increasingly finite and speculators are able to make predictions on oil and gas reserves, I think it’s about time we thought about some good wholesome ways to power ourselves. Let’s burn dead people.
Did you know that 3 kg’s of fat has sufficient calories to bring the entire body to boil at 100 ° C? And do realise folks that if you live in most Western countries, you’re gonna find people who rival elephants and rhinos when it comes to weight and size. To a lot of these compulsive consumers who make consumption a national duty, being more than 100kg’s is actually the norm.
So as a lot of these fat motherfuckers are gonna die after the economy collapses and food dwindles, we just have to get their corpses straight to a power plant and dump them right into the furnace. Their bodies will be able to generate enough energy to move the turbines a little quicker and keep us all a little warmer during the cold depressing months. And we don’t have to stop with these fat fucks, we can certainly exhume all the dead we currently have buried and use them as well. Oh and with the influx of dead American and British soldiers we have coming from Iraq and Afghanistan once our financial support for those wars cease; strong, burly and muscular men – ‘Free Energy’ will be a reality.
But why just specialise in burning them? What about putting the dead into a grinder and beating them up to pulp after which the resultant mash is coupled with plant seeds and sown across wide grassy plains; human bodies as manure and natural soil supplements. I think it’s a brilliant idea.
There are a number of advantages of doing this. Firstly, we achieve good soil health naturally without the need for any artificial fertilizers and chemicals – curbing expenditure. The soil is nourished with immense biological, chemical and physical properties allowing it to sustain plant productivity.
Secondly, with a sudden spurt of plant growth, we’ll be able to feed A LOT of hungry people across the world. We could start harvesting vegetables and eventually fruits; all of which are necessary sustenance.
Thirdly, it helps heal the environment. With the excess of carbon we now have in the atmosphere, having a sudden increase in plant life will allow for these plants to rejuvenate the atmosphere with more oxygen while reducing carbon dioxide– solving global warming and other environmental disasters.
And why just stop at plants? Why not animals too? We’re already pumping our cattle and poultry with a ton of chemical shit to make them grow quicker, jack-off faster and produce more. Why waste money? We can save a lot if we instead included some human pieces into their diet that’ll help bring in a lot of protein and carbohydrates to their bodies.
In fact, there is no reason why we can’t use the same human flesh into the diet of other humans as well. Most don’t know this but Cannibalism has been practiced for many centuries by tribes across the world and all of them seem pretty vibrant and active. Furthermore, I think we could all do with a little variety, aren’t we all a little sick with chicken, beef, pork and fish? Besides, beggars can’t be choosers!
Free Abortion Clinics
Fucking is a good thing. It helps relieve stress, it aids in giving people a sense of peaceful assurance, it cures all the worries of a person, it helps mend broken relationships, it encourages communication and openness and most importantly it promotes intimacy and love. The more people fuck, the happier they are. A happy population is a good population! So fucking should indeed not stop but of course fucking has ONE major setback: a fucking child!
Having a child is a massive investment, so why the fuck would you want to fuck and bring another human on board if you know you’re going to be fucking poor for the rest of your fucking life? Well, to some of the poorer people, access to condoms, diaphragms, spermicides and birth control pills can be quite expensive. And when it comes to fucking, the ‘pull-out’ method can be somewhat unreliable as most guys are notorious for being premature ejaculators.
So what better way to solve this conundrum than for the Governments of the world to build Abortion Clinics that provide Free Treatment and Free Counseling to the people? Consider it a ‘public good’; goods procured by the government in order to enhance society’s well being.
Think about it for a second: people can fuck all they want, have nothing to worry about and in the event pregnancy hits – just get the foetus (and incidentally your problems) washed out from your system. Some may begin to cry out – ‘Sanctity of Life!’. I will cry out – ‘Fuck You!’. Which would you rather see – some undeveloped bunch of cells getting flushed down a toilet or a fully formed sentient human being going through suffering, hunger and death that is not his own doing?
In the Abortion Clinic, ‘Expediency’ and ‘Integrity’ are the qualities for the day. Doctors and nurses are trained extensively and are also made to attend various seminars and lectures which highlight to them the economic hardships of people and how they are contributing to the betterment of society and effectively the world. As they are performing a pertinent social function, one can certainly expect for them to be remunerated well with money taken from the pension funds of senior citizens.
Patients are dealt with swiftly and with professionalism based upon the highest standards of the medical profession. There is none of that ‘forms to fill up’, ‘names to be given’ and ‘insurance to be requested’ – people come in, take a number and have the procedure.
Patients will also be counseled and reminded that abortion is not killing a life. Abortion is saving a life; saving it from the misery, anguish and drudgery of leading a worthless and valueless life here on Earth. The machinery used will be state-of-the-art so as to reduce pain, discomfort and to provide a speedy service. After the procedure is done, patients will be discharged immediately and be escorted personally to the exit so that they can get back to their desk-jobs an hour later. They could even be given some placebos (M&M’s) and be told that it helps promote ‘Vitality of the Body and Mind’.
In fact, doctors can even insist on mailing the mangled aborted foetus back to the man who impregnated the woman just so he’ll be able to have a glimpse of the fruits of his labour and be a little bit more careful the next time.
The best part is, both man and woman will now have to mend their affected relationship and what better way to do that than to have a good 16 hour fuckfest, in fact, call your neighbours along and make it a gang bang. If they’re Mexican, hey better still, call it an Interracial Gang Bang!
The Abortion Clinic – Giving You More Time To Love!
If you solve Poverty, you will solve Crime. There are no two ways about it. But in a world where the economy is bleeding to death and most will be thrust into extreme poverty – crimes will begin to increase dramatically – therefore it’s only practical for the Governments of the world to legalise criminal behaviour. Repeal all criminal legislation and penal codes.
Ask yourself this, is the police force really capable of handling exponential increases in crimes? Fuck No! The police can’t even deal with crimes on an average sunny Wednesday afternoon. But, nonetheless, we could still use the police’s ability to impose order by making them function as a facilitator between gangsters, smugglers and drug dealers, besides, it’s not like it’s going to be something new for them. They’re already doing it every day in just about every country; bartering with criminals, making illegal deals and accepting enormous bribes. Just another day at the police force!
All you need to do now is clear everyone from their respective prison cells and all of a sudden you’d notice a sudden deluge of entrepreneurs, business proposals and jobs. I have taken the liberty of outlining some of these:
Murderers, sadists, arsonists, vandals, terrorists and rioters – While I do like these guys very much, too much of them will be an overkill, not to mention they will over kill. So, let’s confine the killing to just among themselves and at the same time let’s enjoy the fuckin show.
Here’s what we can do: transmigrate all Australians to Africa and cordon off Australia; it now becomes a huge empty wasteland that is isolated and sea-locked. Then, dump ALL the guys above into the continent and start a reality show.
First, you’ll need to hook up the entire continent with cameras to record everything that takes place and have a live pay-per-view telecast to the whole world. The objective of game is to kill, murder and massacre as much people as possible and remain the last one standing. The winner gets to have 13 male friends along for a 9 hour gang bang session with Whoopi Goldberg, the Pussycat Dolls, the Pope, Simon & Garfunkle, Hillary Clinton and Ryan Seacrest at the same time. The winner will also get a lifetime supply of illegal Thai hemorrhoids cream and a free sex-change operation. Reality show title: ‘Hell Down Under!’.
Secondly, when the numbers dwindle to 500 people, lines can be open to the public so that they can actually start gambling on who might be killed next; the winner obviously gets a huge chunk of the daily pool – what a way to stimulate the economy and encourage spending. Employment opportunities: Film crew, IT specialists, construction workers, television manufacturers and telephone operators.
Rapists, molesters, pedophiles & sexual predators – 24/7 event managers for open-aired gang bangs, bestiality conventions, gay orgies, sadomasochistic marathons, bukakke buffets, scat fiestas, furry parties, golden shower relays, weekend blowjob booths, rim job parades, foot job shows, sex toys conferences, sweet 16 facials and even cherry poppers night-outs. Being experts in these fields, they could even partake in some of the activities themselves, providing free live demonstrations. Everybody fulfils their craving and all is content. Employment opportunities: Public relations adviser, designers, writers, advertisers, brand managers, publicists and media relations.
Robbers, burglars, thugs, extortionists, racketeers & gangsters – These guys will be our modern day Robin Hoods. One will certainly find the billionaires, millionaires and politicians of the world having stashes of mansions, sedans, aircrafts, yachts, jewelry and gold which they can certainly do without. So, who better to take on the role of the nation’s treasury and finance managers than some highly experienced professional thieves? The gangsters will do a fine job in ‘appropriating’, the burglars and thugs can work on ‘accounting’ and the racketeers and extortionists can do some ‘distributing’ to the poor, hungry and needy. We’ll finally have a tax system that gives everyone what they want without anyone being left out. Employment opportunities: Valuers, real estate agents, accountants, logistics support and stock supervisors.
Drug lords, traffickers, smugglers & pushers – The only guys who really live up to the great spirit of ‘Laissez-Faire, Supply and Demand’; providing all the supply wherever there is demand. I see no harm with drugs whatsoever. What one wants to put into his OWN body for personal pleasure is solely his own business. Having said that, let’s liven this business up!
Let’s commission the building of drug factories in every district of every State; supplying copious amounts of acid, heroin, cocaine, crack, amphetamines, morphine, opium, ketamine, ecstacy, psilocybin, mescaline, DMT and cannabis. Everyone can smoke, shoot up, swallow and snort as much as they want to stay completely stoned, loaded, high, shit faced and blown for the whole day. What’s funny though, is that the alcohol and cigarette industry will be bankrupt over night. Also, as there will be a shitload supply of drugs everywhere, prices can be expected to be low as hell, in fact, you might even find drug dealers competing with each other.
In order to upkeep their business, drug dealers will actually have to get into research and development to create a super drug; a drug which gives the most minimal amount of harm while producing the most maximum sensory experience and mental enlightenment. Everyone in society will be happy. Employment opportunities: Salespeople, packagers, promoters, wholesalers and retailers.
Three down, two more to go. Thus far, we have managed to create a self sustaining economy without any heavy reliance on the environment or creation of illusory monetary value. We’re on a roll folks! Next we have:
Bring Back Forced Labour and Slavery
This one is only reserved for the really useless people in society. The people who put us all in this mess in the first place, pretend to know the solution, fuck things up even further and then pretend to know nothing. The list of mofos include:-
Bankers, economists, politicians, stock brokers, corporate directors, jewelers, bullion dealers, lobbyists, investors, oil & gas people, bureaucrats, financial speculators, property developers, real estate agents, industrialists and anyone who refers to themselves as an ‘Executive’ or ‘Consultant’
If you’re either one of these motherfuckers or work for these motherfuckers, then you qualify for the All-National Unit for Service (ANUS) which you will be forcefully drafted into.
These miserable fuckers who have been making money out of thin air, need to get their hands dirty and get a little taste of the filth, dirt and scum that they have injected into everyone’s lives and in doing so, have successfully held this species back from ever realising its true potentials. These are the real criminals of mankind.
In order to get this show on the road, we’ll have to place our brothers and sisters from the Aryan Brotherhood, Ku Klux Klan, Neo-Nazi, British Nationalist Party and British National Front as Project Managers with some help from respective national Armies. These people have immense know-how in the procurement of mass labour at low cost.
They can start off by going through the Internal Revenue Service’s records to identity the people who earn $250,000 or more per annum. Freeze their bank accounts, pay a visit to them in their houses and produce to them a decree stating that the Government requires their money for national security purposes and that they will also need to contribute their labour to the building of their respective States. Tell them it’s ‘National Service’! Then, take them to the recently emptied prisons and dump them there like the criminals that they really are. The area surrounding the prisons will then be cordoned off and be kept away from public admission or scrutiny.
We’ll the assign these criminals and their cronies “jobs” to be done, none of which they will be remunerated for. These “jobs” will generally involve menial mundane tasks with low or no skill. Their tasks would include: welding, drilling, sculpting, mining, manufacturing chemicals, laying bricks, chopping trees, assembling vehicles, creating weapons, soldering electronic circuits, making household appliances, sewing clothes, animal farming, packaging products, harvesting crops and processing food.
As for their recently frozen bank accounts, the wealth will be appropriated the moment their accounts are frozen and divided equally to the rest of the population. Basically, we’ve bankrupted these slaves overnight.
The central question now seems to be: how do we get these slaves to comply? Simple. We give them the ‘illusion of choice and variety’ while ‘praising their work efforts’ and making ‘false promises’ that their wealth will be returned if they can successfully rejuvenate the economy.
Allow them to work a modest 8am till 6pm. All of them will be served three meals a day, one Continental breakfast at 7am, one Oriental lunch at 2pm and an American dinner at 9pm. They will be fed this for all meals on all days except on Sundays where they will be given an Indian breakfast, a Japanese lunch and a West African dinner instead. All produce for these meals must be obtained from the fruits of their own labour; it then becomes ingrained within them that the harder they work, the better their standard of living will be.
The more hardworking slaves will be given better food, nicer clothes, better prison facilities, lesser working hours and a fictional job promotion. This will be an incentive for others or rather serve as a ‘false beacon’ that things are beginning to get better. Optimism will rise. Attentiveness and focus will also take flight; eventually allowing worker productivity to increase tenfold. We need to make a ‘mini-economy’ out of these slaves to sustain the public with their efforts.
In fact, to maximize the output from these slaves, isolate the world from them. We will give them each a Television set in their respective cells but we will only broadcast entertainment programs that lull these slaves into thinking that their work brings freedom and that they are providing the nation with great sustenance and nourishment; well disguised propaganda.
Fictional news can also be broadcasted to create a false impression of what is taking place in foreign countries; a world bordering on post-apocalyptic meltdown can be painted through the television screens to create a sense of relief and security in the hearts of these slaves making them thank their Government for taking “good care” of them.
In fact, give them an opportunity to have elections every four years to elect representatives that can watch over these slaves and ensure that everyone is getting a fair share of things. It’ll certainly provide the slaves with some façade of ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’, making them feel like they are masters of their destiny. But obviously, ensure that nobody has any real power to do anything, say anything or express themselves in any way that affects any outcome.
Schools can also be procured for the children of slaves to teach them a newly formulated syllabus, which indoctrinates them with the idea that ‘Sacrificing ones Life for the Nation’ is the most noblest deed a man can do. All will be taught the most minimal of knowledge so that all will engage in hard labour and disengage from critical thinking and intellectualism.
Also, why not rig the entire complex with cameras and broadcast it for the public to watch every day via pay-per-view? It’ll be the comedy show of the year.
In fact to spice the things up, the Government can sometimes fire “enemy” rockets into the compound and kill a couple of hundred slaves. Cite it as being a “terrorist attack”. The Government can also surreptitiously infect the slave’s water supply with bacteria and watch them get sick. Later, administer a cure and cite it as being “biological warfare by the enemies”. No slave will ever doubt it. The more fear you raise, the better the control you have – just like sheeps. Reality show title: ‘The Prison Life – Baa-tfucked!’
Now, let’s see. We have an entire generation of people doing hard labour and sustaining the rest of society. The future generation is also bound to follow the fate of their elders. We now have a well oiled and moving economy. For the icing on the cake, we’ll need some good wholesome family fun to keep people occupied. For that, let me introduce to you:
The Circus of Life
The Circus of Life is a premier leisure venue that provides hours of fun, laughter and enjoyment for all men and women as well as children of all ages. It is the very epitome of ‘Entertainment’ and a celebration of ‘Life’. The Circus of Life is a monolithic structure the size of the Vatican that exists in each continent. It is an amusement park, leisure outlet, theme park, fairground, water park, casino and circus all rolled into one! The highlight of the day is a show called ‘Cornucopia’.
‘Cornucopia’ takes place from 9pm till 2am in the middle of the entire circus. People are gathered into a dirt arena that sits 200,000 and they’ll have the privilege of watching a number of highly entertaining feats courtesy of a number of people.
These people include those in mental asylums, the terminally ill, people who are bankrupt, Formula 1 racers, soccer players, all previous and current American Idol participants, all reality show contestants, socialites, people who believe in the Abrahamic God, fashion models, fashion designers, people involved in the publishing of men’s magazine and women’s magazine, obese children, people with lip piercings, people who operate Spas, people who leak their own sex videos, people who play Counterstrike, people who “pimp” their rides, people who wear tees with Che Guevarra on it, people who play golf, people who consider themselves ‘Emo’, people who listen to Black Eyed Peas, anyone that labels themselves as ‘Indie’, anyone who plays the Blues and isn’t black, Chinese people who play music, girls who watch Charmed, guys who watch Heroes and talentless fucks who call themselves ‘singer-songwriters’. We gather all these shits and we use them for these feats. Now, for the feats:
Jumbo Drop – Get a 300 gallon transparent water tank and fill it with Elephant diarrhea. Then tie a 100 kg metal ball to a guy’s foot and drop him into the tank. Watch him drown helplessly while also having his last meal.
Blow Job – Line 20 cannons in a circle pointing to the middle of the circle and fill em up with a person each. Fire all away simultaneously. Make sure there are adequate instant replays, slow-mo and multiple camera angles.
Horse Power – Get a guy and tie each of his limb to a horse and then whip the horse to speed till the first limb rips out. Betting can even be allowed for this one. People can bet on which limb will come out first. They’ll have a 25% probability of getting it right. Now that’s a highly probable bet!
Cornman – Get a couple of people and dump them into thick corn syrup and immediately after dunk them straight into a big pot with boiling oil and let them deep fry. Take them out a couple of minutes later and put them up for sale outside the arena next to the Corndog stand. This will be huge hit among patrons – its live cooking folks!
Electrofucked – Blindfold a guy and put him on a small platform suspended 30 foot up the air that’s surrounded by a huge pool filled with 400 extremely agitated electric eels. Force him to piss into the pool and watch him get electro-zapped. If he loses his balance and falls, then he’s fucked!
Too Cool For School – Dip the legs of 200 people in liquid nitrogen and lay them down in the middle of the arena in series. Have a stampede of wildebeests run across their legs. The crowd can sing Outkast’s Hey Ya as ice particles fly all over the place. As they say, “What’s cooler than bein’ cool? – ICE COLD!”.
Go Out, Take Out, Log Out – This is for all Counterstrike players. We gather 100 at a time in the middle of the arena and we let them wander around in confusion. We place 10 snipers at hidden positions and watch them give each of these 100 guys headshots one after another. It’ll be completely random, unpredictable and fuckin fun. The panic and mayhem will increase exponentially as the body count adds up. This is my personal favourite.
Blend In – Get a gargantuan blender, dump 50 people in it and rev it. Start slow and build up speed till the 15 minute mark. This one is good for the socialites and sex video publishers.
No Child Left Behind – Get a huge transparent water tank, fill it with water and add enough leeches to make the water turn black. Drop 30 of these obese kids in it and enjoy the show.
Holy Shit – Have a blindfolded naked guy sit on a toilet bowl connected to a rocket engine. Have a countdown and fire the rocket up to space. If the contraption falls back down on someone from the audience and the person survives. Give him a Porsche.
Dungeons & Dragons – Get 5 guys and glue all their dicks together. Shove them into a huge steel cage with a hungry Bengal tiger, a disgruntled Grizzly bear and a pissed off hippo. Also throw a couple of hundred rattlesnakes around just for sound effects. This is going to be one fun experience for the participants of American Idol and other reality shows.
The Maze – A small miniscule bomb is shoved up the assholes of all participants and they are given 2 minutes to pass thru a giant maze constructed in the middle of the arena. If they fail to do so in 2 minutes, the bomb goes off. If they succeed and reach the exit in time, they will have the privilege of having a Molotov cocktail thrown at them by a lucky member of the audience.
God Have Mercy – This one is dedicated to anyone who belongs to an Abrahamic Faith. Divide these people into 3 groups depending on their faith and allow them to recite their respective prayers peacefully. 4 minutes into their prayers, have an airplane fly overhead and drop 3 small napalm bombs and fry everyone; simple solution without the fuss or the muss. This will get you some really amazing ratings, I assure you.
Who’s Got Balls? –We’ll get all the soccer players involved in this one. We’ll fix a small remotely controlled explosive device on all soccer players. Let the games proceed as usual but for every goal, a member of the opposite team gets blown up. We could even have tournaments with soccer teams from every club or nation. Eventually we’ll come down to one player and his goalie to which we then let them in on the real big surprise; the fact that all this while, there’s also been an explosive device in the ball. Kaboom!
Hydroman – Shackle a guy and shove a hose connected to a water pump into his asshole. Turn it on. People can certainly bet on his one. They can bet on the time it’ll take for this guy to explode (right down to the milliseconds). The closest answer wins.
Acid Trip – Pump a guy with a gallon of LSD and then watch him run thru an entire gauntlet which is suspended over a huge tank filled with industrial grade sulfuric acid. The gauntlet can be filled with swinging blades, flame throwers and randomly triggered tranquilizer guns. If he falls into the pool, there goes his acid trip.
Land of the Free – This one is fairly simple. You place random landmines all across the dirt arena and you make 200 people run across it from one end to another, promising them a gift if they get across safely. Most will get blown to bits but some will definitely survive. For those that do survive, refer them to the next event.
The Passion of Christ – Let’s have reenactments of Christ’s murder. We can start off with the complimentary scourging followed by the burdensome carrying of the cross before the inevitable nailing, suffocating and piercing. What an amazing tribute to the man himself!
Home of the Brave – Place about 500 people in the middle of the arena and have those massive Bigfoot 4×4 vehicles driven all across the arena floor just running over as much people as possible. This lasts for a quick 10 minutes. Participants will be instructed to try and dodge as much hits as possible and if they survive, they shall get a gift. Their gift will be a referral to the next event.
The Passion of Peter – The reenactment of St. Peter’s death. This one is fairly similar to Christ only difference is we’ll be crucifying the lucky fellas backwards before pouring some fuel on the crosses and setting it alight while they are still on it. This one should be getting some of the biggest cheers and applauds from the audience.
All of these feats should be recorded and televised to home viewers as well. The revenue received from ticket sales, television commercials and advertising can be used to help the economy circulate and be active; encouraging spending and raising the general standard of living while also keeping the public content, occupied and at ease.
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Alright, there you go folks; a 5 step plan to save ourselves from all our financial problems while ensuring that we still have a planet to share among ourselves. If all can adhere to these steps, we’ll have free energy, a happy population, free trade, unlimited labour and a great source of leisure for the public; all necessary elements in promoting peace, stability and prosperity for the world.
Fuck ‘In God, We Trust’. The new tagline is going to have to be:
‘For Us, We Live’.