A Christmas Interview with God
The following interview took place in Puduraya bus station over a cup of teh tarik. It was a hot Christmas day and God had arrived there at 11.39 am. He was dressed in some torn Lee jeans with a black t-shirt that read ‘I FUCKED YO MAMA!’. He had long shoulder length hair, a small goatee and a scar on his right cheek, just below his eye. He was about 6’ (six feet) in height, looked very pale and he had a swastika on his left wrist with the words ‘White Power!’. As soon as He sat down, He said, “Sorry for being 9 minutes late, I had to find the right attire. Must blend in.”. The interview proceeded…
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Interviewer: So how are you today God? Should I be calling you God? Or are there other names?
God: I am fine boy. No you don’t have to call me God. Because I’m in Malaysia, you can call me Govinda Ong Dollah.
Interviewer: That’s a lil long, don’t you think?
God: Then, just say GOD la!
Interviewer: Ok ok, will do. So, God…the reason why I called you here…
God: Eh hold on. ‘God’ doesn’t sound cool la. Let me see, tell you what. You call me Ramly and pretend I sell burgers for a living. And that my burger stall is outside a 7-11 store. Ok, what were you saying?
Interviewer: Ok Ramly, noted. So, the reason why I called you here is to find out a bit about your thoughts on Christmas and also to hear about your adventures being God. A little personal information about yourself would also be really welcomed. Will that be fine?
Ramly: Boleh gak!
I: Alright. So about 2000 years ago. You sent your only begotten son Jesus down to Earth to spread your message. Is that correct?
R: Something like that la. What happened was, there was this girl, Mary or something, that was chilling about in a garden. So I was feeling quite happy la that night, so I called out “Yo, Gabriel!”. Gabriel was my angel friend la. I’ve been telling him all the time to change his attire, he looks like such a queer, oops I mean bapok, but he never wants to listen to me. And you know me right? I’m not too fond of gaydom! (Genesis 18-19).
I: Yup, that is well documented. So what happened next?
R: So I said to Gabriel, “I want you to go and fuck that girl!”, but he refused, saying that she didn’t ask for it and that it would be wrong. So I said, “You cheap fuck! I have given you a place here to live with all the food and stuff you need and when I ask you to fuck someone, you don’t listen?! Don’t let me go Sodom on your ass!”, he promptly followed my instructions and impregnated Mary.
I: Ah I see. You mentioned earlier that Gabriel said Mary didn’t ask for it?
R: Well, technically she wouldn’t have seen it coming. But I made sure he told her some mumbo jumbo about Holy Spirit ‘coming’ unto her. And yeah, she went along with it.
I: Ramly, if she didn’t want it and she was impregnated anyway, wouldn’t that mean that there was no consent or rather she was fooled into consenting?
R: Well, if you want to get technical and follow Rape laws, yeah then of course la she was Raped.
I: Those would be your words not mine though.
R: Consider it the Word of God la… hahaha. So yeah, I know it’s a bad way for the Son of God to start of his voyage. Lots of deceit, deception and trickery, but, how else you gonna impregnate an innocent, husbandless, naive girl? Huh? Huh? You tell me!
I: Innocent, husbandless, naive girl? Hmm… by not lying to her perhaps?
R: That would be killing the mystery of God. How can people then say “God works in mysterious ways!”?! The sentence would be obsolete.
I: But you just created a new being on this earth who has no real father figure or rather will never know his true father.
R: I know, working on technicalities, Jesus would be a bastard, but at least he has good genes!
I: Alright moving on. What about Joseph? Did you consider his views on this?
I: Is there anything else you want to comment on Joseph?
R: Oh yes. Well, funny thing is, the moment he heard the news he was obviously fuc….err… no nothing else to comment!
I: So, the story goes that Joseph and Mary (just a few hours before delivering) travelled to Bethlehem on a donkey and couldn’t find a single room in the Bethlehem Inn. Why didn’t you do anything for them?
R: What did you expect me to do?
I: Well, you were famous for parting the Red Sea (Genesis 13-15), raining food from the skies (Exodus 16) and flooding the world (Genesis 6-9). Surely you could’ve at least, say built them a hotel or a camp at least?
R: Hmm… I never thought about that. I must’ve been busy trying save the inhabitants of Venus from being fried due to the excessive green house gasses in that place. Fuck ‘Global Warming’, that place is ‘Global Microwaving’. Sometimes, I just don’t have time man. The Universe is a shit huge place! There are some places you guys haven’t even heard of before! Have you heard of The Great Anusia Star Cluster?
R: Well, it exists, about 265 million million light years away from Earth. And don’t worry, you guys will never learn about that place with the current rate of your technological advancements. That place had a massive full scale inter-galactic civil war involving 32 races piloting space ships that could disappear into thin air with death rays that could melt atoms. This Jesus story is nothing!
I: I see. Alright back to this Jesus story. So Jesus was finally born in a dirty manger near the inns.
R: Hahah…I always found that funny…manger. He arrived on a donkey and was born near a donkey. He even rode donkeys later on. Donkey-Boy!
I: I’m sorry Ramly, if I could just take you back. After Jesus was born, 3 wise men were informed of his birth. Why were the three of them informed?
R: Oh those 3 stooges. Well, they were chilling by the country side when I sent some angels to go scare these guys to visit Jesus. There were scared shitless!
The reason I sent them was cause Jesus, Mary and Joseph were broke and were fuckin stinking. Their donkey was dying of a severe leg infection, it had pus and blood oozing out of its nostrils and left knee. The manger also reeked of animal shit. So I sent these 3 old goons to follow a star in the sky to bring Gold (for Jesus, Mary and Joseph to sell and get a new ride), Frankincense (for the place to not smell like dung) and Myrrh (for them to not smell like animal shit).
I: Tell me more about this star in the sky? Why was it only prevalent at that time?
R: Well, Lord Jo’Lok of Planet Penisia in the Anusia Star Cluster had decided to end the war by launching a bionuclear-particle-combusting-wave into the neighbouring solar system, which made every living cell explode when it came into contact with the wave. So there was a huge gargantuan explosion in space which was what the 3 wise men saw.
I: So there was no star?
R: Fuck no! It’s the night sky. How would it be any different from any other night?
I: So why did you choose December 25th as a day for the Saviour?
R: I didn’t. Whoever wrote Christianity probably did. Jesus cannot be blamed for any of this shit. He didn’t write anything down. So whoever did, probably made the damn thing up! I think whoever made it up was probably giving reference to the Sun, which sets the quickest during the Winter Solstice (December 21st) and the concluding 3 days. On the 25th of December it usually starts to spend a little extra time on the Earth’s surface before getting gradually longer everyday and finally ushering spring in February! It’s supposed to be a sign of newness and hope. Some metaphoric shit!
I: Right. Wow, I never knew this.
R: Don’t worry, most Christians don’t either. In fact, Australians still celebrate Christmas! How fuckin dumb is that? They should be banging chicks and enjoying summer man!
I: So what are your thoughts on your Son, Jesus?
R: Well, he was a lost cause. And the Bible doesn’t do much to detail the kind of person he really was. The Bible makes him into a soft, lovey-dovey, humble, weak and fragile man. He was nothing like that. He was a rebel, an outlaw and a fuckin badass!
This man was against religion (Matthew 23), he was anti establishment (Mark 11:15-19) and he loved women (John 8)! He wanted a social revolution (Matthew 5), he was a communist (Mark 6:30-44) and he just didn’t give a fuck (John 18:28 – 19:16)!
He was what I was hoping the human species to become; free from their mindless shackles of ignorance, fear and folly – sadly the damn plan backfired!
I: How did it backfire?
R: Look around, people became what Jesus preached against. Leading a meaningless cycle every year celebrating some faux birthday modeled after the passage of the Sun; ironically, remembering a Man who told them to be free and to love.
I: But don’t people Love their Neighbours? Isn’t that what Jesus said?
R: Jesus said ‘Love your Neighbour as Yourself’ (Mark 12:31). You must first love yourself. Give yourself all that you need; time, attention and care. When you do that, then you will understand Love. After that, turn to the guy next to you, your neighbour, and do the same for him as you do for yourself, then you have – Love your Neighbour!
I: This has been noted indeed Ramly. What are your expectations for the human race?
R: Stop celebrating Christmas! Save a trillion dollars on this one miserable day and give it to a group of people in some shithole God forsaken place that really need it. The reason I forsook that place was well…..cause… it was a shithole, so I think you guys ought to do something about it instead. Don’t hope on me, I have got Anusia to think about!
I: Any final words Ramly?
R: I once said “Be fruitful AND multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Don’t people listen to what the fuck I’m saying?! First be fruitful, that means, solve your problems first; poverty, crime, torture, starvation, corruption, discrimination, conflicts, disputes and wars.
And only then, you multiply. If you haven’t been fruitful, then don’t fuckin multiply!
Peace out Mofos!
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The interview ended. I paid for God’s teh tarik and accompanied Him to the ground floor of Puduraya where he boarded a bus headed towards Kamunting. I headed back to the parking lot and drove away in my car. I generally found the interview to be wholly inspiring and very enlightening.